The dead live in the cemetery.

6. We're launching a new innovation for the first time.

7. After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of Arthur Harrison to the post.

8. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

9. You gotta remember-nobody's human.

10. Display ad for a monster movie: Due to the horrifying nature of this film, no one will be admitted to the theater.

11. Label found on the bottom of a wind-up kitchen timer: Do not place on or near heat-producing appliances.

12. Inscription on a bathroom scale: Permanently Adjusted.

13. Law office advertisement: Permanent Injuries Last a Lifetime.

14. At a health center: Prescriptions required the follow­ing day must be handed in the day before

15. Mr. Carver will remain Director or" the Company throughout the end of the fiscal year, except in the event of his death, in which case he will no longer he Director at the Company.

16. Killing an animal while it is still alive is unacceptable.

17. There is a fundamental difference between male and female homosexuality, which is that the former concerns men and the second women.

18. Standing at the casket of her husband, who was man­gled in a car wreck, a grieving widow said, "Oh, Cod, he'd die if he knew he looked like that!"

19. The most important thing in acting is, honesty. Once you've learned to fake it, you're in.

20. A mother warned her son: ’’lf you climb that tree and fall out, don't come running to me!"

21. 2l% of girls left because they had become a mother, as did 8% of the boys.

Under a Spell

Mark Twain once wrote, "I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothing alike and cook all dishes alike.

Sameness is tiresome, variety is pleasure. Kow spelled with a large K is just as good as with a small c. It is better. It gives the imagination a broader field, a wider scope."

Andrew Jackson, who may have been our only illiterate president, once thundered, "It's a damn small mind that can think of only one way to spell a word!"

Twain and Jackson would be delighted with the creativity and broad-mindedness shown in the misspellings that follow. They certainly fill the imagination with all sorts of original images. As a famous bumper sticker proclaims, BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!

1. Meanwhile, Richard Parker Bowles, brother of Camil­la's ex-husband, Andrew, said that from the beginning Camilla approved of Charles's marrying Diana while she remained his power mower (paramour) (Paramour – любовница. Действительно, если это слово произнести быстро, получится power mower – электрическая газонокосилка).

2. Microsoft Word advertisement: You'll get a grammer checker and a spelling checker.

3. Need to be a better reader? John Atkinson is available as a reading tudor (tutor).

4. Congratulations to all 1st graders who participated in the annual Spelling Be (Spelling Bee).

5. Congradulations to our school's champion spelers.

6. Say "yes" to eduction (education).

7. for sale. Two-story 1500 sq. ft. on 2 acres with privacy fencing along road frontage. On hill with beautiful view of damned creek below property (dammed).

8. No smoking aloud (allowed).

9. The prisoner was sent to solitaire confinement (solitary).

10. An inspired Illinois team yesterday reached the pinochle of success (pinochle - карточная игра, а имелась в виду вершина успеха - pinnacle of success).

11. Taped to a cash register in a convenience store:

No Checks Excepted! (accepted!)

No Acceptions! (exceptions)

12. She arrived at the castle and spent the knight (night).

13. He was a short, fat, semi-balled man (-bald).

14. Mrs. Travis unveiled a plague in memory of her live husband (plaque – мемориальная памятная доска, а plague означает чуму).

15. Escapee captured after 10 days on the lamb (on the lam – в бегах).

16. He killed the men with his bear hands (bare).

17. She slipped into a comma on Thursday (coma).

18. Church Bizarre Sale. Refreshments. Saturday, June 24. 9 a.m.

19. He went to the carnival and rode on the fairest wheel (Ferris wheel).

20. The weather was wonderful and the little boy did summer salts (summersaults - сальто).

21. Divorce has become so common that we take it with a grain assault (grain of salt).

22. A story in a Florida newspaper quoted a minister as saying, "God told me to hold my piece ” (peace).

23. I stood on the beach as the serf blew in my face (surf – шквальный ветер, a serf – это крепостной крестьянин, раб).

24. He was arrested for evading an officer and for wreckless driving (reckless).

25. Insanity is a problem of considerable dementions (надо: dimensions – пропорции, размер, хотя и использованное слово по смыслу не лишнее: dementia – сумасшествие).

26. They unleashed the attack dogs that go for the juggler (jugular – сонная артерия).

27. Bracelets $8.00

Neckless (без шеи) $10.00 (necklace).

28. While the car is a wreck, its occupants can be truly grateful that they escaped with their lives. The tree is badly scared (reck; scarred).

29. The woman's basketball team earned a birth in the finals (надо berth - место).

30. Platonic love is where you first love a single woman. Then you come to love women as a hole (whole).

31. It's better to slow down then get a ticket.

32. A flaming desert complimented the dinner (dessert).

33. No dumping aloud (allowed).

34. It’s best to heed the advice of the United Press international Stylebook: “A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. As a writer, you are expected to know the difference.”

 

Back to Grammar School

"Students don't have to fail. Exhilarated (accelerated) classes day or evening,” claims one newspaper ad. "Develop interpersonal conversational skills by learning to talk good (well)," boasts a second ad, "Can't tell who from whom? Help is available from the Lowe University grammar hotline. We get a lot of business-writing calls and how to deal with a salutation when you don't know who you're writing to," a third points out.

No wonder teachers receive student evaluations like these:

1. While in the writing program, I learned a lot about sentence structure, punctuation, and capitalism (capitalization).

2. I past all my testes (tests). My grade should be hirer (higher).

3. I have learned a lot about life here at college, for instance, I have learned to do minor household repairs such as painting, fixing old windows, and replacing old broads (boards).

4. Another thing I learned was the way how to use apostrofe's and where it goe's and sometime's just to use them.

 

Makes teaching all worthwhile, doesn't it?

Squeak! Squeak! Yikes! Yikes! Here are some more grammar gaffes gouged into the blackboards of our minds:

1. Two new booklets are available for South Carolinians who are survivors of head injuries and their families.

2. He was arrested Saturday, hours after the most recent victim's body was discovered and questioned for 12 hours.

3. Gabriel Pincus is the proud possessor of a brand new Chevrolet sedan and also a new wife, having traded in the old one, for which he received a liberal allowance.

4. I had an infection after the operation and was on antibiotics for two weeks before going home. There were still some minor pains in my testicles, but they disappeared.

5. If Ms. Hunter and Ms. Brown agree to relinquish ownership of the dogs, they will be euthanized.

6. Joe Harrigan's father passed away yesterday from a massive heart attack. He won't be back in the office until Tuesday.

7. It was called into the Burbury P.D. that a deer had been hit north of Gendry Bros. The deer is dead and he has locked himself out of the car and is waiting for a locksmith.

8. And now for a look at the weather, made possible by Foam Shampoo.

9. A Groveton officer described the driver as a white male with blond hair, wearing shorts, a gray tank top and bare feet.

10. Air piracy charges were filed Sunday against a man who used grenades to hijack a Russian airliner and his wife.

11. Females should have the same athletic opportunities as males: it is an almost universal medical opinion that there is no sport more dangerous to a girl than a boy.

12. Asphalt tennis courts are hard on the soles of the feet and balls.

Now consider the effect of a misplaced or missing apostrophe in these unexemplary examples:

1. Police report that the man took a crescent wrench and swung it at one of the victim's heads.

2. We sell children's clothes and babies too.

3. wanted: Guitar for college student to learn to play, also piano to replace daughters lost in fire.

Even the absence or misplacement of a hyphen can produce bizarre results:

1. Museum staffer Jill Dorman checks out 65 million year-old eggs.

2. Child abusing priest to face new charges (можно понять: 1. новые обвинения 2. новые подопечные)

That headline seems extremely weird until you read the story that follows: "A convicted pedophile priest is due to appear in court in Belfast next month to face new charges of child sex abuse."

Those Dang(ling) Modifiers

Reading the following statements from newspaper sto­ries, we may well ask ourselves what's going on in our courts these days:

1. The juror never was asked if he had been molested by either defense or prosecution attorneys.

2. Bernard Constantino pleaded guilty to charges of distributing marijuana Wednesday in front of judge Hart.

3. A homeless man accused of breaking into a whale watching boat on Rose's Wharf was ordered to receive inpatient treatment in the Plowshare program for his drinking problem in district court Monday.

4. The Collier County sheriff's office has announced that one of its dog deputies has been named number one dog deputy for capturing a kidnap suspect after holding a female hostage for several hours.

5. Grodskins was arrested for illegal consumption of alcohol by the sheriff's department on Sunday.

6. Ms. Innes testified that the defendant was told by a child abuse specialist that her daughter was more than likely being sexually abused in Belknap County Superior Court.

7. Arlene Tollman received a suspended sentence for operating a motor vehicle with a blood-alcohol level of more than 10.

8. Anna Anderson requested that she be cremated before her death.

9. The blaze was extinguished before any damage was done by the local fire department.

10. Gregory Hartell, Dover Township, is awarded a Purple Heart Medal 41 years after he was injured in the Korean War by George Best, commissioner of the State Veterans Affairs Office.

11. I am a single parent with a 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter who has been unable to attend Craig University because of student loans.

12. The meetings held on Monday and yesterday included presentations by a priest who is a psychiatrist specializing in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual disorders among other experts.

13. Vice President Gore hobbled up to a small stage filled with Democratic, candidates on crutches, having ruptured his Achilles' tendon while playing basketball.

14. He provided background information about the life of a man who gained national attention after being mutilated by his wife for the NBC news program Now with Tom Brokaw.

15. The senator used the term the titty bill in referring to a bill that would ban nude dancing during a discus­sion with another lawmaker.

16. Do not sweep an area where there have been rodents with a broom.

17. A Grand Rapids neighborhood is getting some help in fighting crime and protecting children from the city commission.

 

 

Самые смешные граффити!

DO IT TOMORROW.

YOU'VE ALREADY MADE ENOUGH MISTAKES TODAY!

 

I like my job. It's the work I don't like

 

Work is what they try to con you to do (заставлять делать что-то обманным путем) so that you will have the money to be able to buy what they try to con you to think you need

 

When pleasure interferes with your work, give up your work (в русском языке тоже есть такая шутка: если алкоголь мешает работе, брось работу)

 

Work is an escape for those who have nothing better to do.

 

You can't blame this company's big mess on one person. This took real teamwork.

 

PLUMBERS IN ACTION

(added) Shouldn't Inaction be one word?

(очень остроумно!)

 

Get to know the ropes before you try to pull a few strings around here

 

(Обыгрываются два прекрасных выражения:

1. to get to know the ropes – войти в курс дела, узнать азы своей профессии

2. to pull strings for smb – использовать свое служебное положение

 

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

(обыгрывается выражение: алкоголь – проклятие рабочего класса)

Things are so depressing around here that the only people with a smile are those who are proud of their teeth.

 

Education Kills By Degrees

(обыгрывается 2 значения слова degree – 1. степень, здесь: постепенно 2. научная степень)

 

Originality is the art of concealing your sources

(Оригинальность – это умение скрыть (замаскировать) источники, которыми ты пользовался)

 

My math professor has more problems than his math book.

 

FIVE WORDS COMMONLY SAID

TO A WORKING ARTS GRADUATE:

BIG MAC AND FRIES PLEASE

 

einstein's real discovery:

time = money

 

How can these professors measure our intelligence with theirs?

 

Attending university is the opposite of sex. Even when it's good, it's lousy

 

Lawyers should be buried far out at sea because deep down they're okay

(обыгрываются значения выражения deep down, а именно: 1. глубоко в душе 2. глубоко под землей (водой).

 

Artists can make practically anything

-except a living.

 

He who can - does, he who cannot - teaches…

and usually cannot teach

(Подписываюсь под этим как учитель с 40-летним стажем. Абсолютно точная формулировка!)

 

The purpose of philosophers is to contradict

other philosophers

 

Universities teach us to say a little about things

we know nothing about

 

History Is Something That Never Happened

Written By Someone Who Wasn't There

 

THE MAJORITY OF ACCIDENTS

ARE CAUSED ACCIDENTALLY

 

Euclid was a square

 

Geography is everywhere

 

BEING EDUCATED IS ONE THING.

GETTING A JOB IS ANOTHER

 

Engineers should use their brains more often.

It's the little things that count

 

University education should develop our minds

and not overstuff our memories

 

The end of the University term should be closer

to the beginning

 

The psychology department is the last refuge

of the insane

 

What we university students need is a book called

How to Live on Nothing a Year

 

Debating whether teachers have personalities

like debating whether zero is a number

 

Logic dictates that anyone who doesn't know

what to do with their lives becomes a philosopher

 

 

Before you meet your handsome prince you have

to kiss a lot of toads

 

Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best

 

I like it and him in that order

(it – имеется в виду половой орган)

 

BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP

(added) It is better that women have beauty than brains because men see better than they think

 

If you catch a man,

throw him back

 

To resourceful women, men are not the problem;

they are the answer

 

MATERNITY IS FACT,

PATERNITY IS OPINION

 

Every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks he has the

biggest Dick (dick – член)

 

To get to know your husband better, divorce him!

 

Chastity is no big deal if you have never been

asked for a date

 

MEN SHOULD COME WITH

INSTRUCTIONS

 

Lead me not into temptation.

I can do it on my own

 

A HARD MAN IS GOOD TO FIND

 

I bet you I could stop gambling

 

NOTHING BEATS SEX WITH MARY

(added) Then why don't you have sex with

NOTHING

 

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead cow

(хорошо!)

 

Does the lateral coital position mean

having a hit on the side?

 

Age stiffens the joints and the mind but it forgets

about the thing that really counts

 

Ah...the American Dream -

Drive a German luxury car, own a Japanese

computer, smoke a Cuban cigar, drink Italian

wine, eat in Korean restaurants and vacation on

the French Riviera with a Scandinavian girlfriend

 

REAL ITALIAN MEN

DON'T EAT PASTA.

(added) Real Italian Men Eat What The Fuck

They Want To Eat!

 

A little lie can save a whole lot

of explaining to do

 

Please, no four letter words written on our walls.

We don't go for that shit

 

Women like me because of my size.

(added) It's not the size that counts,

it's how big it is

(further added) Wrong, it's not how deep you can

plow, it's how long yon can keep going around the

field that counts

 

EXECUTE GRAFFITI VANDALS

 

If a sheep is a ram,

And a donkey is an ass,

How come a ram in the ass is a goose

 

I am looking for a serious

and meaningful one night stand.

(added) NOT ME

ONE NIGHT STANDS ARE MUCH.

TOO LONG FOR ME

 

There are three things I look good in – expensive

suits, Ferraris and blondes

 

If sex is a pain in the ass, you’re doing it wrong

 

ORAL SEX IS A MATTER OF TASTE

 

What a bunch of cunning linguists you are

(at bottom of graffiti filled-wall)

(классика юмора!)

 

I like sadism, necrophilia and bestiality.

Am I flogging a dead horse?

 

 

What is the difference between a good girl,

a bad girl, and an evil girl?

A good girl sucks, a bad girl swallows,

and an evil girl gargles

 

I avoid all relationships. A "relationship" is when

you’re screwing your cousin

 

Indulge in an orgy once

and you can call yourself adventurous.

Do it twice and you better call yourself a pervert!

 

Pornography is in the eye of the beholder

(Прозрачная аллюзия на библейское beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Получилось что-то вроде: каждый понимает в меру своей испорченности)

 

I've been single and I've been wed.

And being married cost me a lot more money

(Житейская истина. Тут ничего не попишешь).

 

I’ve been faithful to my girlfriend several times

 

Sex is occasionally a good substitute

for masturbation.

 

Masturbation is the best form of self-expression

 

I haven't had sex for so long I think I'm

a virgin again

 

 

The secret to having a good relationship with a

woman is honesty. Once you can fake that,

you've got it made

 

The easier it is to pick up a woman,

the harder it is to get rid of her

 

My thirst for fame and fortune was unquenchable

until I started drinking beer

 

Bill Clinton is The Best Fucking President the

U.S. Ever Had

(added) Bill Clinton is the best President the U.S,

NEVER had.

 

I came in here just to take a piss and I wound up

getting enlightened

 

If you think it's hot here in Tucson,

wait until you get to your final destination

 

What is Beethoven doing now?

Answer: Decomposing (разлагается).

 

GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME

SOMETHING ELSE

 

Make it idiot proof and someone

will make a better idiot

 

If a painter is not painting, is he still a painter?

 

Stop trying to be happy

and watch the good times roll

 

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man dull,

boring, and despised

 

Lord, make me moral, ethical, and well-behaved,

but not until I'm 60!

 

i once climbed an

imaginary mountain

because it wasn't there

 

If you're in the rat race, remember there is no prize

for outrunning a rat.

 

PUT UP ONE OF YOUR HANDS AND

YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!

 

You are where you eat.

(обыгрывается: you are what you eat, или грубо: …what you shit)

 

If Batman Is So Smart, Why Does He Wear His

Shorts Outside His Pants?

 

God is not dead, but alive and well and working on

a much less ambitious project

 

I Looked In My Wallet This Morning And Realized

Some Drunk Spent All My Money Last Night!

 

Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't

know where to spend it

 

A friend in need is history

(Друг в беде не нужен никому и нигде)

 

SOMETIMES YOU LOSE AND

SOMETIMES YOU BREAK EVEN

 

100,000 lemmings can't be wrong

 

It takes about ten years to get used to how

old you are

 

To get back on your feet, just miss three

car payments in a row

(шутка: чтобы остаться без машины (т.е. оказаться на своих двоих), попробуйте три раза подряд не внести взносы по кредиту за эту машину)

 

I LIKE LIFE. IT S SOMETHING TO

DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING

 

Experience is what we call all our screw-ups in life

(Опытом мы называем все наши ляпы в жизни)

 

Marijuana is a thinking person's cigarette.

 

58 percent of all deaths are fatal.

 

WARNING: Phone sex can give

you an ear infection (by pay phone)

Even the most useless person can

serve as a bad example

 

Sex is all right but I like the real thing better

 

No matter where you go, there you are.

(added) No matter where you leave, there you ain't.

(further added) No matter where you leave, your

absence will be good company

 

POINT OF VIEW IS RELATIVE-

SAID PICASSO TO EINSTEIN

 

SMILE – FRESH AIR IS GOOD

FOR YOUR TEETH!

 

Reality is a temporary illusion brought about by the

absence of drugs and alcohol

 

BACKWARDS SENTENCE THIS

WROTE I YOU CONFUSE TO

 

PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP IS

AN OXYMORON

 

Grass is Mother Nature's way of saying: High!

 

Ordinary people are the most interesting

 

Dyslexia lures, ko

(Dyslexia rules, OK)

 

This Graffiti Is Deja Vu all over again

(added) I think I have read this before

 

Diets are nothing but food for thought

 

THE OLDER I GET

THE BETTER I WAS

 

Just because everything is different

doesn't mean anything has changed

 

I don't like being a masochist because

it makes me feel good

 

Go and see Russia and see for yourself

why you shouldn't see it

 

Platonic relationships are meant

for married couples

 

My memory is the thing I forget with

 

I’M SCHIZOPHRENIC.

(added) So am I. That makes four of us

 

A kick in the ass is a step forward

 

Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to

have his head examined

 

Jesus loves you but everyone

else thinks you are a jerk

 

Illiterates don't have to read this

 

EVERYONE WANTS TO BE

SOMEWHERE HE ISN'T

 

Death is life's answer to the question: Why?

 

I'm not stewped, just inttellecyoually underayted

(Вот это spelling!)

 

The press is free only if you own one

 

If you think nothing is impossible, try yawning

with your mouth closed

 

TRENDS GO IN ONE YEAR (обыгр. ear)

AND OUT THE OTHER

 

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, perhaps you have misunderstood the

situation

 

Vampires are a pain in the neck.

(Есть еще более смешная шутка: people think that he is a pain in the neck, but I have a much lower opinion of him (т.е. in the ass))

 

There's no problem so big that it can't be made

bigger with the help of a shrink playing

on your guilt

 

If you believe in honest politicians, then you also

believe in celibate brothels

 

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired

 

James Bond Rules, OOK (007)

 

Anarchy, no rules, OK

(примерно: анархия – мать беспорядка)

 

The days of the digital clock are numbered

 

To all virgins, thanks for nothing

 

Certainly, it's not certain that

not everything is certain

 

Drugs and Rock and Roll will help you escape the

crippling grip of reality

 

Life is what you stumble into when you've been

expecting much more

 

Don't stay away from Church because

there are too many hypocrites there.

There's always room for one more

 

There are three things I can't remember:

names, faces, and I forget the third one

 

A person is known by the company

he deliberately avoids

 

Shrinks know everything about life except how to

enjoy it

 

I lost my job, my wife and my Mercedes.

I sure miss that Mercedes

 

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they

taste funny

(два значения слова funny – 1. смешной 2. странный)

 

HISTORIC SITE UNDER

CONSTRUCTION

(Идет строительство исторического объекта?!)

 

We should hang all the extremists!

 

OSCAR WAS BORN TO BE WILDE

(еще: What made Oscar wild?)

 

EXAMPLES RULE, E.G.

 

Don't complain about the beer in this bar.

You'll be old and weak (старым и выдохшимся) yourself some day

 

A socialist is someone who has nothing and wants

to share it with everyone else

 

Am I ignorant or apathetic?

I don't know and I don't care

 

Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down

 

I like to reminisce about the things I haven't done

 

Obesity in the U.S. is really widespread

 

ARISTOCRATS ARE BUMS

WITH MONEY

 

Fucque Ewe

(офранцуженное написание Fuck you!)

 

If you like games of chance, try marriage

 

I can't stand intolerance

(Терпеть не могу нетерпимость)

 

Bring back the future now

(Немедленно верните нам будущее!)

 

I’m not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally

(Я непредвзятый человек. Я ненавижу всех одинаково)

 

All generalizations are dangerous – even this one

 

The gene pool

use a little chlorine

 

Join Alcoholics Alias instead of AA and continue

drinking without anyone knowing

 

 

I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous

(ambidextrous – человек, владеющий одинаково обеими руками)

 

If you catch yourself arguing with an idiot,

he's doing the same thing

 

CUPIDITY+STUPIDITY = MARRIAGE

(added) Marriage is good for hookers. It provides

them with 90% of their business

 

All the world's a stage full of bad actors

(Перефразировано известное выражение С.Моэма: Весь мир – театр, а люди в нем – хреновые актеры)

 

Dancing Is the Perpendicular Expression

Of A Horizontal Desire

(Танцы – перпендикулярное выражение горизонтальных желаний)

 

Always be late! You will be in a better mood than

those you keep waiting!

 

SKINHEADS HAVE MORE HAIR

THAN BRAINS

 

Arrange the following words into a

well-known phrase or saying:

OFF PISS

 

Badd Spelers Roule, Okay

 

Fishermen are Reel Men

 

Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped

(обыгрывается: fly – 1. муха 2. ширинка)

 

Love makes the world go around – along with

other stupid cliches

 

The media should get the facts straight before they

distort them

 

Old golfers never die. They just lose their balls

 

Most librarians are novel lovers

 

Not enough is being done for the apathetic

(added) WHO CARES?

 

Help keep this country green; plant marijuana

 

CRE8TVT RULES, OK.

(creativity)

 

Teenagers don't need your love. We need your $ $