Headquarters for your hindquarters.

 

Cupid: What do you call Santa's helpers?

Comet: Elves?

Cupid: Nope. Subordinate Clauses.

 

Teacher: Jeff, please make a sentence using 'officiate'.

Jeff: I got a stomach ache last night from officiate.

(from a fish I ate).

 

Doing what you enjoy is freedom, but enjoying what you do is happiness!

 

How many body builders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw it in and two to chant, "You're looking huge man, you're looking huge!"

 

John: Did you know I was going to be a professional parachutist?

Ed: Oh, yeah? What happened?

John: Things just didn't open up for me.

 

 

Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.

John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?

Ed: We spotted a leopard.

John: Don't be silly. They're born that way!

 

Finn and Huck were good friends. Finn died. No one was worried though. Everyone said, " Huck'll bury Finn. "

 

Shakespeare: I've written a good play, but I think the title is too long.

Sir Francis: What have you called it?

Shakespeare: "Julius, Grab the Girl Quickly Before She Gets Away!"

Sir Francis: Why not just call it, "Julius Caesar !"

(Julius, seize her).

 

Traveler: I'd like a round trip ticket please.

Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, but all of our trip tickets are square.

 

John: I went riding last night.

Ed: Horseback?

John: Oh, yeah! She got back about half-an-hour after I did!

 

Did you hear about the bear that learned Kung-Fu?

He called himself Grizz-Lee.

(Bruce Lee – легенда кунг фу).

 

Ed: It rained the whole time I was on vacation.

John: It looks like you got a good tan anyway!

Ed: That's not a tan - that's rust!

 

 

First woman: I've got my husband eating out of my hand!

Second woman: Beats washing dishes, doesn't it?

 

A count who was the leader of a rebel movement was thrown into prison. The king confronted him and demanded to know the names of the other rebels. The count refused to reveal their identities - even under torture. "Behead him!" the king ordered vehemently. The count was dragged to the place of execution. "If you tell me the names I want, I will spare you," the king said. Still the count shook his head and refused to talk. As the count's head was positioned under the blade, the king warned, "This is your last chance!" The rebel remained silent. "Go ahead," the king ordered. The executioner made his move.

At that moment, the count's nerve broke. "Wait! Wait! I'll tell you..." But it was too late. The ax had done its work. Furious, the king turned to the executioner. "How often have I told you," he yelled, " not to hatchet your counts before they chicken?"

(обыгрывается поговорка Don’t count chickens before they are hatched. Цыплят по осени считают).

 

Farmer John: Do you like raisin bread?

Farmer Ed: Don't know. Ain't never tried raisin i t!

 

Where did the Egyptian go when he had a bad back?

To the Cairo - practor.

(Chiropractor)

 

Why did the moron sit on her watch?

She wanted to be on time.

 

Why is carjacking so popular in New York City?

It's easier than getting a cab.

What do you have if a midget psychic is running from the police?

A small medium at large.

(на свободе, в бегах).

 

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries. "Didja get anything on that last heist?" asked Jack. "Nutin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out dat de guy who lives dere is a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't dat da breaks," his friend sympathized. "Didja lose anything?"

 

Did you hear about the poor guy at GE who used up all his sick days and STILL wasn't better?

He called in dead.

 

"How're things with you and Marge?" a friend asked Ken.

"Well, as usual, we couldn't agree," Ken replied. "She wanted a mink coat and I wanted a Porsche." "What happened?" "Actually, we compromised. We bought the mink coat, but we keep it in the garage."

 

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it?

Chet: Anna said she met U2 at a concert, but Anna lies.

 

Two neighbors were having a chat across the backyard fence. "My son is learning to play football this year," said one mother.

"What position does he play?" asked the other.

"The coach said he's a 'drawback.'"

 

 

When I die, please bury me deep,

Bury my history books at my feet.

Tell the teacher I've gone to rest -

And won't be back for the history test.

 

What's a twip?

When a wabbit takes a twain wide.

 

Where can you find baby soldiers?

In the infantry.

(пехота).

 

Why was the cannibal expelled from school?

For buttering up the teachers.

 

Tagline: A man is known by the company he avoids.

(обыгрывается пословица “…the company he keeps”.

 

Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together?

Their slogan was, "Either way, you get your pet back."

 

What do you have to know before you can start training a new pet?

More than the pet.

 

Did you hear about the dentist who became a brain surgeon?

His drill slipped.

 

What's the hardest part about learning to ride a horse?

The ground.

 

What do you get if you walk through a field full of four-leaf clover and poison ivy?

A rash of good luck.

 

Why aren't elephants allowed on the beaches in Syracuse?

They can't keep their trunks up.

(1. плавки; 2. хоботы).

 

Mom, may I go out and play?

With those holes in your socks?

No. With my baseball.

 

Why are mosquitoes like arithmetic?

Because they add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide your attention and multiply quickly.

(остроумно).

 

One boy: If you broke your arm in two places, what would you do about it?

Second boy: Never go back to those two places again!

 

Why did the tourists at the dude ranch ride the horses?

Because the horses were too heavy to carry.

 

Where do cowboys send their shoes during the summer months?

To boot camp.

(boot camp – школа молодого бойца, новобранцев, где их учат маршировать).

 

 

Tourist: Is it true that the bears around here won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?

Park Ranger: That depends on how fast you're carrying the flashlight.

 

Dad: How'd you do on your history test yesterday?

Daughter: I nearly got a 100.

Dad: What do you mean - "nearly 100?"

Daughter: Well, I got the two zeros!

 

City boy: What is the name of your ranch?

Rancher: The XYZ Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S Ranch.

City Boy: How many cattle do you have?

Rancher: Not many - for some reason, most of the calves don't survive the branding.

(естественно, представляете, как выглядит клеймо?)

 

The panhandler approached Uncle Stanley. "Kin ya spare 5 bucks for a cuppa joe?" he asked.

"Five dollars!" Stanley was taken aback. "That seems like a lot of money for a cup of coffee!"

"Well, ya see," said the bum, "it's me wife's boithday and I was hopin' to knock off early."

 

Two friends of long standing were sitting at the bar, drinking heavily. "John, old buddy," said one, staring into the bottom of his drink, "I hate to be the one who told you so, but your wife is really fickle!" John nodded his head somberly. "Ah! So she's dumped you too, ey?"

 

A love poem to your mama:

Roses are red,

Grass is green,

You've got a shape

Like a washing machine.

 

A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and passed the wallet back and forth. "Well boys" said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case of carp-to-carp walleting " (wall-to-wall carpeting).

 

A class of children from a nearby school was being led through the FBI's local offices. At one point the guide stopped to show them the wall of wanted posters, pointing to one in particular and saying, "This is the most wanted man in America."

One little boy pointed to a photograph and said, "Is that his picture?" The FBI agent assured the little boy that that was indeed, the photograph of the most wanted man. The boy looked at the agent and asked, "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?

An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.

 

Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?

They can't decide whether to do him regular or extra-crispy.

(основатель знаменитой сети фаст-фуда KFC, славящейся своей курятиной в хрустящей корочке).

 

George Washington will go down in history for saying, " I cannot tell a lie."

Richard Nixon will go down in history for saying, "I cannot tell the truth."

And Ronald Reagan will go down in history for saying, "Uh,...I forgot!"

 

My neighbor has a dog that is a snob. His name is Fido, but he spells it Phydeaux.

 

To err is human, to moo is bovine.

 

Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order?

It's called Suture Self.

(suit yourself).

 

Overheard in a petri dish...

"After they made you, Honey, they threw away the mold!"

(обыгрывается выражение when they made him they through away the mold, где mold означает литейную форму, т.е. таких больше не делают. В то же время mold – это еще и плесень, что меняет смысл высказывания).

 

A young lawyer on his first day on the job heard a knock on his door. Wanting to impress his visitor, he picked up his phone before inviting the guy in, then went through the motions of winding up a very important call as the stranger stood in front of the desk. Finally the lawyer looked up at his visitor and said, "What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company and I'm here to hook up your phone."

 

And remember the words of the wise philosopher, who once said... " A closed mouth gathers no feet."

(поговорка: a rolling stone gathers no moss – под лежачий камень вода не течет).

 

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

Gaelic breath.

 

A man went to a psychic for the first time. He knocked on the door and the psychic called out, "Who's there?" The man left.

 

Who was the fastest runner in history?

Adam. He was first in the human race.

(1. раса; 2. забег, бега, гонка).

 

At a gift shop, a customer asked about some jewelry. "And what is this necklace made of?" "Alligator teeth," said the clerk.

"Why is it more expensive than that pearl necklace over there?"

"Well, anyone can open an oyster..."

(логично!)

 

Why did the President and Mrs. Clinton send Chelsea to private school?

Because, in public school, the secret service agents would have been outgunned.

 

What do you get when you cross a bee and a dinner bell?

You get a little humdinger.

 

What's the best part about marrying an ugly woman?

In forty years she won't look any uglier.

 

Why did the groom-to-be commit suicide just before the wedding?

Better dead than wed!

 

What's the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage.

 

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts!

 

What makes the floors of a basketball court get so wet?

The players... they dribble a lot!!

 

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