What breaks but does not fall? What falls but does not break?

Day breaks and night falls.

(Супер!)

 

Dennis: Mom, I just knocked over the ladder in the back yard.

Mom: You'd better tell your father.

Dennis: He knows. He was on it.

 

Tell me two things you can never eat for breakfast.

Lunch and dinner.

 

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

(to doze – дремать, спать).

 

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

 

What can you hold in your left hand that you can't hold in your right hand?

Your right elbow.

 

Ed: I've been seeing spots before my eyes.

Will: Have you seen a doctor?

Ed: No, just spots.

 

How many peas in a pint?

Just one. (P's in "a pint")

 

If eight eggs cost 26 cents, how many eggs can you get for a cent and a quarter?

Eight.

 

What bites but isn't alive?

Frost.

(по-русски мороз тоже кусается).

 

Which travels faster - heat or cold?

Heat. You can catch cold.

 

What is it you can never see, yet it is always before you?

The future.

 

Why don't blondes dial 911 in emergencies?

Because they can't find eleven on their dials.

 

Why did the blonde sit in a tree?

So she could call herself a branch manager.

 

Did you hear about the blonde who drove to the supermarket when she went into labor?

She heard that they had free delivery.

(1. бесплатная доставка; 2. бесплатные роды).

 

Upon a hill there is a mill,

Around the mill there is a walk,

Under the walk there is a key.

Tell me the name of this mill.

 

Milwaukee.

(mill + walk + key).

What is the beginning of eternity,

The end of time and space,

The beginning of every end

And the end of every place?

 

The letter e.

 

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey had checked into a fat farm for two weeks?

She lost 14 days.

 

Frank and Matt had been working for SpaceShot Industries for years with the assignment of building the ultimate computer. When they finished, last week, the first thing they asked the computer was, "Is there a God?" The instantaneous reply: "There is NOW!"

 

A cannibal was running through the woods when he came across two missionaries camped alongside a stream. One was writing in his journal and the other was reading the Bible. Which one did he eat? The one reading the Bible because readers digest and writers cramp.

(обыгрывается название журнала Reader’s Digest. Получается так: читатели перевариваются, а писатели вызывают несварение, колики).

 

Bob: It says in this book I'm reading the Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber.

Ed: I think if I had to eat whale meat, I'd blubber too!

(1. китовый жир; 2. реветь, громко плакать).

 

 

What did the mortician tell the smoker?

It's not the cough that will carry you off - it's the coffin they will carry you off in!

 

What is in fashion, but always out of date?

The letter F.

 

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

 

- Did you see me come through the door?

- Yes.

- Have you ever seen me before?

- No.

- Then how did you know it was me?

 

Tell me where Larry went.

He's 'round in front.

I know what he looks like - just tell me where he went!

 

Mother told Tommy to run across the street and see how "Ole" Mrs. Smith was. Tommy returned a few minutes later, out of breath.

"What's the matter?" his mother asked.

Tommy replied, "Mrs. Smith says it's none of your business how old she is!"

 

Wise men say, "Opportunity knocks only once, but temptation leans on doorbell!"

 

The emcee (MC – Master of Ceremony) at the retirement dinner rose to speak: "Tonight we honor a man who does not know the meaning of the word frustration, who does not know the meaning of the word fear, who doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. And so we've all chipped in to get the idiot this dictionary!"

 

One evening a lawyer was sitting in his office going over a case that he was working on when the DEVIL appeared in front of his desk. The DEVIL said, "I want to make you an offer......I'll give you an annual eight figure income......a corner office.....a mansion in the country....a townhouse.......maids.....limo service.......and a faithful wife. All I ask in return is your eternal soul when you die."

Well......the lawyer sat back thoughtfully.......puzzled over the offer and finally said, "OK, What's the catch?"

 

Why was 6 so afraid?

Because 7 8 9.

(seven ate nine).

 

Billy Bob: "How often do you rotate your tires?"

Ray Bob: "Heck, every time I drive, I guess!"

 

What do you get if you play country music backwards?

You get yer truck back, you get yer dog back and you get yer girl back!

 

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold to do it out Tide.

(inside – outside).

 

For how long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Able.

 

Four mothers were sitting on the side porch of the home discussing their sons.

"My son is a monsignor," the first proud mom said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello Monsignor. '"

"My boy is a bishop," the second proclaimed. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, your Excellency. '"

"My baby is a cardinal," the third matron said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, your Eminence' "

To which the fourth lady declared, "My billy is 6'10" tall, weighs 325 pounds, has tatoo's up one arm and down the other, and rides a harley. When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, MY GOD!'"

 

I know there can't be any life on Mars...

...they haven't asked the United States for any foreign aid.

 

There's an old saying that cats have nine lives. Do any animals have more than that?

Frogs - they croak every night.

(крякнуть, дать дуба).

 

Country cousin: Well, was the horse I loaned you well-behaved on your ride?

City cousin: Yep. Every time we came to a fence, he let me go over first.

 

Pam: Why don't you play checkers with Alvin anymore?

Ed: Would you play checkers with someone who cheats all the time?

Pam: No.

Ed: Well, neither will Alvin.

 

What did Noah say to his children about fishing from the deck of the ark?

Go easy on the bait, kids. I've only got two worms.

 

Why was the chicken sad?

She thought she had people-pox.

(обыгрывается chicken-pox – ветрянка).

 

The woman was in court, charged with wounding her husband. "But madam," asked the judge, "why did you stab him over 100 times?" The woman replied, "I couldn't figure out how to switch off the electric knife!"

 

Patient: Doctor, I'm seeing double.

Doctor: Close one eye.

 

Patient: Doctor, sometimes I think I'm Napoleon.

Doctor: How long have you felt like this?

Patient: Ever since Waterloo.

 

What kind of ship does Count Dracula sail on?

A blood vessel.

(vessel: 1. кровяной сосуд; 2. судно).

 

What kind of song does Madonna sing when she's driving her car?

A cartoon.

(a car tune).

 

How can you tell the happy cyclist?

By the bugs caught in his teeth.

 

Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York marathon?

One ran in short bursts, the other ran in burst shorts!

(burst – 1. рывок; 2. рваный, разорванный).

 

Know another way to describe a chair?