Petroleum jelly keeps idle tools rust-free.

Вазелин не дает ржаветь давно не используемым инструментам

(без комментариев)

 

Test yourself in understanding:

 

1. In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out."

(К высказыванию, приведенному выше, это, конечно, не относится, но in and out в сленге означает секс. Есть забавный почти лингвистический анекдот о 4 этапах любви: 1. hand in hand, 2. hand in it, 3. it in hand, 4. it in it).

 

2. A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring...

which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

3. FAIR VISIT GONE BAD

 

A man took his wife to the fair, and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen where there was a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

 

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

 

They walked to the second pen and the attached a sign stated, "This bull mated 120 times last year.

 

"The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him!"

 

They walked to the third pen and the attached a sign stated, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs as she said,

"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this One."

 

The husband smiled and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?"

 

***

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

 

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

 

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Conservative"
The journalist leaves.

 

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

 

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

 

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has

never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

(potty training – приучение ребенка к горшку).

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

(И все это в живом эфире!)

 

WORK AND BUSINESS

 

	A man goes to his bank manager for advice, 'How do I set up a small business?' he asks. 'Easy,' replies the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
	Человек приходит к управляющему банка за советом. «Как мне основать свой маленький бизнес?» - спрашивает он. «Просто» - отвечает управляющий «Купите большой и подождите немного».
	A businessman gets on an elevator in his office building. A woman already inside greets him say­ing, T-G-I-F.' He smiles at her and replies, 'S-H-I-T.' The woman looked at him, puzzled, and again says, T-G-I-F.' Again the man answers her with, 'S-H-I-T.' The woman says, 'Do you know what I'm saying? T-G-I-F means, "Thank God It's Friday.” 'I know,' replies the man. 'But S-H-I-T means, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday”.
	T-G-I-F - слава Богу, сегодня пятница S-H-I-T- прости, дорогая, сегодня четверг
3	Business is looking up. It's flat on its back.
	Smth is looking up – дело пошло на лад, ситуация меняется к лучшему, бизнес поднимает голову. Но второе предложение этой шутки построено на буквальном понимании первого, а именно: бизнес смотрит вверх (в небо, в потолок). А когда такое происходит? Когда кого-то положили на лопатки (flat on its back). Сразу смысл меняется на диаметрально-противоположный.
	A small child asks a businessman, ‘What does two and two make?’ The businessman replies, ‘Are you buying or selling?’
	Маленький ребенок спрашивает бизнесмена: «Сколько будет два плюс два?» Бизнесмен отвечает: «А ты покупаешь или продаешь?»
	According to the latest statistics, there are twelve million Americans who aren’t working. And there are plenty more if you count the ones with jobs.
	Согласно статистике, два миллиона Американцев не работают. Получится намного больше, если в эту статистику включить еще и тех, у кого есть работа.
	Chairman to his directors, ‘Gentlemen, last month we were teetering on the edge of a precipice. Today we are going to take a great step forward.’
	Председатель обращается к директорам: «Джентльмены, в прошлом месяце мы балансировали на краю пропасти. Сегодня мы собираемся сделать огромный шаг вперед».   Напоминает старую добрую шутку коммунистических времен. Тогда существовало два лозунга: первый, злой и недоброжелательный: «Америка катится в пропасть!», и второй, наивно-идиотский: «Мы догоним и перегоним Америку!» Остроумы мгновенно сложили эти два лозунга и получили апофеозный шедевр той незабвенной эпохи орвелианского скотного двора с его большим братом и министерством дезинформации: «Америка катится в пропасть! Мы догоним и перегоним Америку!» (Теперь уже непонятно, догнали или перегнали?)
	I’d quit my job but I need the sleep.
	Я бы уволился с работы, но я нуждаюсь в хорошем сне.
	If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
	Обыгрывается словообразование отрицаний от существительных с приставкой de-/dis- (указывающими на лишение чего-либо, отчуждение какой-либо составной части) и суффиксом –ed. Disbarred – лишенный права на адвокатскую практику. Bar- адвокатура, юридическая практика Defrocked - лишенный духовного сана. Frock – ряса священника Дальше пошла игра слов: Электрики имеют дело с электрическим светом, а значит, по аналогии с предыдущими двумя отрицаниями, delighted значит лишенный света? Музыканты имеют дело с нотами (notes), но слово denoted не означает, что музыканту запретили заниматься сочинительством. Есть еще одна хорошая шутка про музыкантов: old composers never die. They decompose (разлагаются). Ну, и так далее: Deranged - сумасшедший, безумный. Range- обширное пастбище. Deposed - смещенный. Pose- позировать Tree surgery - уход за деревьями; обрезка деревьев на омоложение; debark - высаживать, выгружать; bark – кора; depressed - подавленный; press - пресс, механизм для глажения в химчистке.
	No one could ever call me a quitter. Do you know why? I always get fired.
	Никто бы никогда не смог назвать меня «летуном» (или слабаком, который всегда сдается). И знаешь почему? Меня всегда увольняют (до того как я это сделаю сам).
	One day the manager of the brokers’ firm walks past a new employee counting put and call slips. The guy does it faster than anyone he has ever seen. ‘That‘s amazing,’ says the manager. ‘Where did you learn to count like that?’ ‘Yale’, answers the employee. ‘Yale? I don’t believe it. I went to Yale too. What is your name?’ ‘Yimmy Yohnson,’ says the employee
	У нового работника был дефект речи: вместо «дж» он говорил «й». Вместо jail (тюрьма) он сказал Yale (Йельский университет – одно из престижнейших учебных заведений мира). Это стало ясно, после того как вместо Джимми Джонсон он сказа Йимми Йонсон. Получилось забавно.
	Sure I multi-task. I read in the bathroom.
	Конечно, я умею решать несколько задач сразу (могу делать несколько дел одновременно). Я читаю в туалете.
	Wanted: man to test for gas leaks with a lit match. Must be willing to travel.
	Требуется: мужчина для проверки утечки газа при помощи зажженной спички. Должен быть готов к путешествиям (полетам, перемещениям в пространстве).
	Tom is driving along in his car when boss calls him on his mobile. ‘I’ m promoting you to Sales Manager,’ he says. Tom is so surprised he almost loses control of the car. A few seconds later the phone rings. It’s the boss again. ‘Henderson has resigned. I’m promoting you to take his place as Sales Director.’ Again Tom is so surprised the car swerves all over the place. Seconds later the phone rings the third time. Again it is boss. ‘Harris has had a heart attack’ he says ‘You’re the new Managing Director.’ Tom is so astonished he loses control completely and crashes the car into the embankment. Later a policeman asks him what caused the accident. Tom says, ‘I careered off the road. ’
	Career: 1) быстро двигаться, нестись 2) карьерный рост in full career — во весь опор career about – нестись, гнать
	Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
	Каждый из нас готов выполнить любой объем работы при условии, что эта работа не своя.
	Harry to Tom: How long have you worked for your company? Tom: Ever since they threatened to sack me.
	Гарри Тому: Сколько лет ты работаешь на свою компанию? Том: С тех пор, как они пригрозили уволить меня.
	Work is the greatest thing in the world, so make sure you save some for tomorrow.
	Работа - величайшая вещь в мире, так что будь уверен, что приберег немного на завтра.
	When you see an office worker with his desk piled high with paper, ask yourself the question, is he busy or just confused?
	Когда ты видишь работника офиса со столом, заваленным бумагами, спроси себя: он занят или просто не знает, что с этими бумагами делать?
	A boss accounts his employee coming through the door at ten in the morning. ‘You should have been here at nine.’ He says. ‘Why?’ asks the employee. ‘What happened?’
	Босс отчитывает работника, входящего в офис в 10 часов утра. «Ты должен был придти в 9» говорит он. «Зачем?» спрашивает работник «Что-то случилось?»
	A boss asks an employee if he believes in life after death. ‘Why do you want to know?’ asks the employee. The boss replies, ‘Because while you were at your grandmothers’ funeral, she popped to see you.’
	Босс спрашивает своего подчиненного, верит ли тот в жизнь после смерти. «Почему вы спрашиваете?» - интересуется работник. Босс отвечает «Потому что пока ты был на похоронах своей бабушки, она забегала тебя навестить».
	A boss is carpeting one of his employees for persistent lateness. ‘Do you know when we start work in this office?’ he asks. ‘No’ replies the employee ‘They’re usually hard at it by the time I get here.’
	Босс делает выговор своему работнику за система-тические опоздания. «Ты знаешь, во сколько начинается рабочий день в нашем офисе?» - спрашивает он. «Нет» отвечает работник «Обычно он уже в полном разгаре к тому времени, когда я приезжаю». To carpet smb – хороший глагол! По-русски это звучит примерно так: вызывать на ковер, давать нагоняй, песочить и т.д.
	Tom to Dick: Are you able to do anything that ordinary people can’t?’ Dick: Well, I can read my handwriting.
	Том Дику: Ты умеешь делать что-нибудь, чего не умеет делать обычный человек? Дик: Ну, я могу разобрать свой почерк.
	Boss, to worker, ‘I’m going to mix business with pleasure. You’re fired.’
	Босс работнику: «Я собираюсь соединить приятное с полезным. Ты уволен».
	I became a professional fisherman – then discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
	Непереводимая, на мой взгляд, игра слов. Опять эта многозначность слов! Net – 1. сеть, в том числе рыболовная 2. Net income – чистый доход (т.е. после вычета всех налогов, aftertax income).
	I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I was discharged.
	Electric shock – удар электрического тока Discharge – 1. разрядить (аккумулятор, батарею) 2. уволить с работы
	I got a job with a pool maintenance company, but it was just too draining.
	Draining work – работа, выжимающая все соки, так сказать, потогонная работа. Draining – это еще и дренаж, водосток. Эти значения слова и обыгрываются в данной шутке, ведь речь идет о работе по уходу за бассейнами.
	I used to work for a paper company, but they folded.
	Я работал в компании по производству бумаги, но они свернули свой бизнес. Вообще все, что можно свернуть, по-английски будет to fold).
	I was assistant to Princess Anne for a while but I soon realized that, no matter how good I was, they were never actually going to make me Princess Anne.
	Я работала ассистентом принцессы Анны, но вскоре поняла, что как бы хорошо я не работала, принцессой Анной меня никогда не сделают (не назначат).
	The only thing worse than being unemployed is having a job.
	Единственное, что может быть хуже безработицы, это иметь работу.
	I got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it.
	Я стал работать историком и вскоре понял, что я весь в прошлом (у этой работы нет будущего).
	Tom gave up work shortly after he was given his job.
	Том перестал работать вскоре после того, как получил работу.
	Harry decided to go into the cement business. He’d always been a good mixer.
	Гарри решил податься в цементный бизнес. Он всегда мог удачно разбавить любую компанию. (Mixer- здесь: общительный человек, заводила, легко чувствующий себя в любой компании).
	Tell your boss what you really think of him, for the truth shall surely set you free.
	Скажи своему боссу, что ты о нем думаешь, и правда сделает тебя свободным.
	Boss, to employees, ‘This is just a suggestion. No one needs to follow it unless they want to keep their jobs.’
	Босс своим подчиненным: «Это просто рекомендация. Вам не обязательно ей следовать, если конечно не хотите сохранить работу».
	I don’t want any yes-men around me; I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn
	Я не хочу, чтобы меня окружали подхалимы. Я хочу, чтобы мои подчиненные говорили мне правду в лицо, даже если это будет стоить им работы. Сэм Голдвин (знаменитый голливудский продюсер. Помните Metro Goldwyn Meyer? Вошел в историю своими почти «черномырдинскими» ляпами). Yes-men – подхалимы, те, кто поддакивают.

 

 

Бизнес и карьера

* * * * * *

 

 

 

 

 

Art and literature.

 

	A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
	Критик- это все равно, что безногий тренер по бегу.
	A man is on an operating table having his legs sawn off at the knee by a surgeon. ‘Of course,' says the surgeon to the man, 'this doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to paint like Toulouse Lautrec.'
	Человек на операционном столе, и его ногу отрезает по колено военно-полевой хирург: «Конечно» говорит врач человеку «Это совсем не обязательно означает, что вы сможете рисовать как Тулуз-Лотрек».
	Dick is introduced to an author at a party. 'My last book was terribly difficult,' the author says. 'It took me over six years to complete.' 'I can sympathize,' replies Dick. 'I'm a slow reader myself.'
	Дика представляют автору на вечеринке: «Моя последняя книга была невероятно сложной», - говорит автор - «у меня ушло более 6 лет, чтобы закончить ее». «Я вас очень хорошо понимаю» - отвечает Дик - «я сам медленно читаю».
	Of course Vincent Van Gogh was notoriously vague. Whatever you said to him just went in one ear- and straight out the same ear.
	Конечно, всем известно, что Винсент Ван Гог был жутко рассеян. Все, что бы вы ему не сказали, влетало в одно ухо… и вылетало через него же обратно.
	A man walks into a book shop and says, 'Can I have a book by Shakespeare?' 'Of course sir,’ says the salesman. 'Which one?' The man replies, 'William.'
	Мужчина входит в книжный магазин и говорит: «Не могли бы вы дать мне Шекспира?» «Конечно, сэр» - говорит продавец, - «Какого?» Мужчина отвечает: «Вильяма».
	A writer sends his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, 'None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.' The publisher sends back the book with a note saying, That's what's wrong with it.'
	Писатель отправляет свою рукопись издателю с заметкой: «Никто из персонажей в этой истории не имеет никакого сходства с какими-либо людьми, живущими или умершими» Издатель отсылает эту книгу назад с комментарием: «Вот именно поэтому она так плоха».
	Harry took up writing as a profession and sold loads of stuff - his TV, his stereo his furniture his car...
	Гарри профессионально занялся писательским ремеслом и продал множество хлама - свой телевизор, свой стерео, свою мебель, свою машину…