В.Филиппов: (Роберт Рэнкин. Мир в табакерке, или Чтиво с убийством SNUFF FICTION Robert Rankin)

Так вот, я довольно неплохо отплясывал джигу с очень симпатичной девушкой -- у нее были просто замечательные гинеи... В этом месте судья прерывает Нормана, чтобы уточнить, что такое "гинеи". -- Груди, ваша честь. Брентфордский рифмованный сленг пятого поколения. "Мерлин Монро" рифмуется с "ребро". "Ребро Адама" рифмуется с "мама". "Мама любит папу" рифмуется с "Папуа". "Папуа Новая Гвинея" рифмуется с "гинеи". Судья благодарит Нормана за объяснение и просит его продолжать.

 

Sandy Bay	Gay
Sargy (Sargeant)	Onion Bhaji	”meet our new bhaji.”
Sarnie (Sandwich)	Reg Varney	”oi, get us a bacon reg.”
Sauce	Rocking Horse
Inspector Morse	”Got any Inspector?”
Dead Horse
Air Force	”Do you want any Air Force on yer chips luv?”
Time	Cockney rhyme	”Anyone got the cockney?”
Scarf	Centre Half	”It's a bit taters I'll wear my centre half”.
Scary	Mariah Carey
School	Jah Rule	I'm quittin Jah cos it's a James Hunt”
Cunt	James Hunt	”Don't be a James Hunt”.
Scooby Doo	Clue	”you haven't got a scooby doo.”
Score (£20)	Dudley Moore
Score (£20)	Apple Core
Scotch (whiskey)	Gold Watch	”Fancy a gold watch, before you go?”
Pimple and Blotch
Pocket Watch
Sea	Housemaid's Knee
See ya' later	Spanish Waiter	”spanish waiter darlin!”
Baked Potata
Sex Sexy	Bendy Flex	”Just going for a bit of Bendy.”
Posh 'n' Becks (Дэвид Бэкхем и его жена Posh из Spice Girls)	”he's off getting some 'posh'.”
Oedipus Rex
Liberty X
Long and Flexy
Shakes	Hatti Jaques
Shaky	Currant Cakey
Shark	Noah's Ark
Wander	Jane Fonda	”Off for a Jane Fonda on the dancefloor”.
Shave	Ocean Wave
Mexican Wave (волна, получающаяся из встающих и садящихся болельщиков. Впервые показана на чемпионате мира по футболу в Мексике).
Rant an Rave	”when i wake up i have a rant an rave.”
Dig the grave
Chas and Dave
	All Night Rave
Shilling	Able and Willing
Thomas Tilling
Shingles	Mandy Dingles	How are your mandy dingles?”
Shirt	Dicky Dirt
Uncle Bert
Shite	Turkish Delight
Tom Kite
Shine A Light	shine a light, i've lost my keys.”
Jimmie White	”I'm dying for a Jimmie White”.
Ben Cartwright
Barry White
Fly a kite
Ian Wright
Shiter (toilet)	Ronson Lighter	”i'm off to the ronson lighter.”
Shitter (arse)	Apple Fritter
Gary Glitter
Council Gritter
Rick Whitter
Pineapple Fritter
	Light and Bitter
Shitter (from Morgan Stanley Dean Whitter)	Morgan	”just nipping to the morgan for an eartha.”
Shoe	How D'You Do
Shoe	Winnie the Pooh
Shoes	Church Pews
Ones and Twos
Ones and Twos
Jimmy Choo's
Rhythm and Blues
Scooby Doo's
Tom Cruise
Shoes (Looby Lou was a character in children's TV programme Andy Pandy)	Looby Lou's
Shop	Lollipop
Cheggers Plays Pop
Bottle of Pop
Shoulders	Noddy Holders
Shout	Brussel Sprout
Shout (round)	Wally Grout
Shower	Blackpool Tower
Austin Power
Fawlty Tower
Eiffel Tower
David Gower
Shut	Jabba the Hutt
Sick	Moby Dick
Pat and Mick	”feel a bit pat and mick after those prawns.”
Tom and Dick
Uncle Dick
Silly	Piccadilly
Harry and Billy
Daffadown Dilly
Uncle Willy
Single	Mandy Dingle	”is that bird still mandy dingle?”
Sister	Skin and Blister
Sock and Blister
Six (in bingo)	Chop Sticks
Sixty six	Clickety Click
Skin (cigarette paper) Gin	Vera Lynn
Skint (broke)	Larry Flint	I'm Larry Flint”
Murray-Mint
Bernie Flint
Boracic Lint
А теперь бонус в разбивку (не по алфавиту).
Nervous	Peter Pervis	“I am a bit peter pervis about my exam.”
Stinking	Abraham Lincoln	”There's a dead cat in the garden and it's Abraham Lincoln!”
AIDS	Ace of Spades	”You've been dealt the Ace of Spades”
Believe	Adam and Eve	”Would you Adam and Eve it?”
Keys	Dancing fleas
Whistle and flute	Suit	”nice new whistle, mate!”
Deep fat Fryer	Liar	You're just a Deep Fat Fryer.”
Dennis and Gnasher	Basher (любитель выписть) Bash-party.	”Oh fiddlesticks! I just ran over a dennis!!”
Desmond Tutu	Two-two (degree result)
Dibs and Dabs	crabs	”Last time I go wiv 'er, the filthy cow 'ad a touch of the Dibs and Dabs.”
Push in the Truck	fuck	”it's been years since i had a push in the truck”
Push bike	Dyke (lesbian)	you've no chance with her,she's a push bike!”
K Y Jelly	Telly	”Fred's on the KY Jelly”.
Kangaroo Pouch	couch	”Help me move my kangaroo.”
Karsey Moilet	Toilet	”Jus' goin to the Karsey mate.”

 

To be continued…

The Little Collection

Of humour

***

Teacher: Randy, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Randy: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

 

Student: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test

Teacher: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give you!

 

News item: The police have been looking for a suspect with one eye.

Letter to editor: Wouldn't the police have a better chance of catching him if they used two eyes?

(1. с одним глазом; 2. одним глазком).

 

While out walking on the African veldt one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him. "Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life!"

"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!" (благодарю бога за хлеб насущный).

 

Newsflash: The police are looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.

Caller: What's the other eye called?

 

Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.

Caller. I'm interested. What does the job pay?

 

What's green and crawly and has 100 legs?

A centipickle! (обыгр. centipede+pickle).

 

Man: My wife's leaving for the West Indies.

Friend: Jamaica? [обыгр. созвучие с did you make her?]

Man: No. It was her own idea.

 

Man: I got a brand new sports car for my wife (два значения: 1. получил, купил; 2. обменял что-то на что-то).

Friend: No kidding. How'd you ever get the dealer to make a trade like that?

 

Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

(1. не вижу; 2. не могу принять).

 

Judge: I'm afraid I'll have to have you locked up for the night.

Defendant: What's the charge?

Judge: There's no charge. It's part of the service.

(1. обвинение; 2. плата)

 

First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?

Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.

(“The sun” также название газеты).

Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.

Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off (1. упадешь; 2. заснешь, провалишься в сон).

 

It was an amazing coincidence that all three of the daughters in the Potato family came home on the same day to announce that they were going to get married. Father was surprised and figured that he had just better sit down with each girl in order to make sure that they had selected a proper mate.

Calling on his eldest daughter first, they retired to Dad's den. "So, daughter, tell me about this special guy in your life," said Dad. "Oh, Daddy," gushed his daughter, "I'm so happy! Jimmy Mashedpotato has asked me to marry him and I said yes." "Well, that's wonderful," said Father. "Jimmy is a wonderful boy and the Mashedpotato family is very respected in our community. You have my blessings."

Calling in his second daughter, Mr. Potato repeated the question he had posed to the eldest. "Oh, Pop," gushed daughter number two, "Eddie Sweetpotato asked me to marry him today and I'm so happy!" "Well," replied her father, "that's wonderful. Eddie is a nice young man and the Sweetptotato family is very influential. You have my blessings."

Calling in his youngest, Pop Potato was feeling good about the choices his other two daughters had made, and so without hesitation, he once again asked about the young man in her life. "Oh, Dad," gushed daughter number three. "I'm just so excited. Dan Rather has asked me to marry him and I said yes."

"Dan Rather?" exploded her father. "Dan Rather? You can't marry Rather...he's just a commentator!” (common (po)tato).

 

An American couple is visiting Russia for the first time, and while in Moscow, they decide to hire a guide. Using the telephone book, it didn't take them long to hire a tour guide, a young man named Rudolph. The tour began at the Kremlin, proceeded to the Bolshoi, and then on to Red Square. Just after they'd arrived at the square, it began to drizzle a little and

Rudolph commented, "It's starting to rain. Perhaps we should return to your hotel." "No," said the husband. "It is only snowing. Let's continue the tour." Rudolph again insisted that it was raining and the husband again argued that it was snowing. Two or three more comments about the weather passed before the little woman poked her husband in the ribs and whispered,

"Better let him have his way. This is Russia and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

(Rudolph the Red nose reindeer).

 

Mike: Call me a doctor!

Ike: Why, are you very sick?

Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!

(1. вызови мне; 2. называй меня).

 

Sam: What a smart dog to be able to play poker with you!

Fran: Not really. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.

 

Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.

Rob: The dog must enjoy that.

Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is getting a little tired of it.

(1. прогулка; 2. бродяга).

 

 

Ron: I only gamble for laughs.

Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.

 

When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes disobey?

Because they were adders.

(1. multiply: умножать, размножаться; 2. add: складывать, прибавлять, приплюсовывать).

 

Nurse: Have your eyes been checked recently?

Patient: No, they've always been solid blue.

(1. проверять; 2. быть в клеточку).

 

Thief: Stick 'em down!

Cashier: Don't you mean stick 'em up?

Thief: Oh! No wonder I haven't made any money today!

(Вору не повезло, так как вместо «Руки вверх!» он говорил «Руки вниз!»)

 

Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.

Saul: That's no problem.

Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.

(1. постелить свою постель; 2. изготовить себе постель).

 

A patient scheduled to undergo mouth surgery confided his most horrible fears to a nurse. "Will I die? Will I be disfigured? I don't know what's going to happen," he said to her. "Don't worry," the pretty nurse said. "Your surgeon is a specialist and you'll receive the best of care." "You're right," the patient responded. "I'll probably laugh about my fears after the surgery." "Laugh?" the nurse scoffed. "With no lips?"

Did you ever wonder - most nights we go to bed when we aren't a bit sleepy, but we get up the next morning and we're dead tired?

 

John: I get very nervous the way you drive around those sharp turns.

Sue: Just do what I do - close your eyes!

 

Joe: You're looking for a new cashier? I thought you'd just hired one!

Edna: I did - that's the one I'm looking for!

 

What is a pigskin for?

To hold a pig together.

 

How is an airline pilot like a football player?

They both like to make safe touchdowns.

(1. посадка; 2. гол).

 

What should a fullback do when he gets a handoff?

Go to a secondhand store.

(1. игра рукой в футболе; 2. отсечение руки).

 

Why did the football player do a commercial for shampoo?

He was troubled by split-ends.

(1. посеченные концы волос; 2. защитники команды противника).

 

What is a cheerleader's favorite color?

Yeller.

(1. орать, скандировать; 2. созвучно с произношением yellow)

 

Jack: How'd you break your arm?

Zed: I was playing football with a telephone booth.

Jack: What?

Zed: Yeah - I was trying to get my quarter back!

(1. получить обратно свою монетку в 25 центов; 2. quarterback – полузащитник в американском футболе).

 

Why was Cinderella such an awful basketball player?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

(1. карета; 2. тренер)

 

Why did the retired basketball player become a judge?

So he could stay on the court.

(1. суд; 2. баскетбольная площадка).

 

What is Wilt the Stilt's middle name?

The.

 

Reporter: Do you like all of your players to be tall, coach?

Basketball Coach: A player's height isn't important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.

 

Fan (arriving late): What's the score?

Friend: Eight to five.

Fan: Who's winning?

Friend: Eight.

 

Did you hear about the boy that does bird impressions?

He eats worms...

(пародирует птиц).

 

Pat and Mike bought two horses at a sale in County Cork, but the two horses looked so much alike that Pat said to Mike, "How are we gonna tell whose horse is whose?"

"We'll bob the tail of one of "em," said Mike.

By mistake the tails on both horses were bobbed, so Pat asked Mike what he thought they should do now.

"I'm going to need to think on this one," said Mike. "Until I can figure out what to do, you take the white one and I'll take the black."

(Очередная шутка про ирландцев).

 

What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take himfor a drag.

 

"Louisa, did you change the water in the goldfish bowl yet?"

"No, Mom. They haven't finished drinking what's in there yet."

 

"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"

"No, but in a restaurant one day I saw a man eating chicken!"

 

Why did they have to call off the leper's hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

(обыгрывается хоккейный термин «вбрасывание»).

 

Joe: I paid my income taxes this morning.

Ed: Oh yeah? How'd it go?

Joe: Okay, I guess. The only thing I can compare it to is the way a cow must feel just after milking time.

 

Jim: So, Sam, how'd you do in Las Vegas?

Sam: Very well! I went there in a $10,000 automobile and came home in a $20,000 bus.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

 

What do you get when you cross a computer with a track-and-field star?

A floppy discus thrower.

(звезда легкой атлетики).

 

A moron working on a road crew was instructed by his foreman to dig a hole next to the roadway. "But, what will I do with the dirt?" asked the moron.

"Don't be stupid," said his boss. "just dig another hole and bury it!"

 

A lady is playing the piano in her living room when there comes a knock on the door. Opening the door, the lady discovers a man in coveralls, carrying a tool box. "Yes?" she responds questioningly. I'm the piano tuner," he replies.

"But, I didn't call for a piano tuner."

"I know. Your neighbors did."

 

What are hippies for?

To keep your leggies up.

(уменьшительные формы от слов hip и leg).

 

What goes up a drainpipe down, but can't go down a drainpipe up?

An umbrella.

 

Why couldn't they sell soda-pop at the double-header? Because the home-team lost the opener.

(opener – 1. открывашка; 2. первая игра чемпионата).

What did the lion say to his friend when he saw two hunters drive by in a Jeep?

"Aha! Meals on wheels!"

(обыгрывается название-слоган компании, развозящей еду).

 

Doctor: Did you take my advice about your insomnia? Did you count sheep?

Patient: Yes I did. I counted to 482,354.

Doctor: And then did you fall asleep?

Patient: No, it was time to get up!

 

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "And how did you get here, Mr. Brown?"

Mr. Brown replied, "Flu..."

(1. flu – грипп; 2. flew – прилетел).

 

A kind-hearted old-lady saw a little girl standing outside the school doors crying. "What's the matter, Miss?" asked the lady.

"Rheumatism," replied the student.

"Rheumatism? At your age?"

"Yes," replied the little girl. "I failed the test because I couldn't spell it!"

 

A boy was sitting on a street corner fishing in a bucket of water. A little-old-lady passing by took pity on the boy and gave him a quarter.

"How many have you caught today?" she asked with a smile.

The boy looked up, smiled back and said, "You're the seventh."

 

Jim: I'm glad I wasn't born in France.

Ed: Why?

Jim: I can't speak a word of French.

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?

Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

 

A man staying at a very posh hotel had gone to use the swimming pool. As he paused on the upper-most diving board, arms raised, an attendant screamed out, "Don't dive!! There's no water in the pool!" "That's okay," the visitor declared. "I can't swim!"

 

Jim: They're not going to grow bananas any longer.

Ed: Why not?

Jim: They're long enough already!

 

Jim: This match you gave me won't light.

Ed: That's funny. It did this morning.

 

Jim: A loud noise woke me up very early this morning.

Ed: Oh, yeah? What was that?

Jim: The crack of dawn.

Policeman: Why'd you run away after you hit your ball through Ed's window?

Jim: Because I couldn't stand to see it go through all that pane!

 

Jennifer: Are you coming to my party?

Sandra: No, I ain't going.

Jennifer: Now, you know what the teacher told us. Not "ain't." It's 'I am not going, he is not going, she is not going and they are not going.'

Sandra: Isn't anyone going?

 

Jim: I got a set of drums for Christmas. Best present I ever got.

Ed: Why?

Jim: My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play them.

 

Did you hear about the little boy whose name was Glug-Glug? He was supposed to be named Jimmy, but during the baptism the priest fell in the font!

(купель для крещения).

 

A bum approached me on the street and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I haven't had a bite in weeks." So, I took pity on him - I bit him.

 

Tom: I wish you'd sing solo.

Laura: Solo?

Tom: Yeah - so low that I can't hear you.

Laura: Not very funny! Have you ever heard yourself sing? You should sing tenor.

Tom: Tenor?

Laura: Yeah - ten or eleven miles away!

 

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your half-eaten apple!

 

What increases by one-half its value when turned upside down?

The number six.

 

What's the only way to carry water in a sieve?

Freeze the water first.

 

One eighth grader in Fulton was falling in love for the first time. Unsure of himself around girls, he went to the library and took out a book on "How to Hug." It wasn't until he got home that he discovered he had checked out volume 10 of the encyclopedia.

 

Motorist: I'm sorry to say that I seem to have killed your cat, Ma'm. I feel very badly. Can I replace him?

Lady: I don't know - how good are you at catching mice?

 

An airplane carrying half American passengers and half Canadian passengers crashed on the Canadian-American border. Where did they bury the survivors?

Nowhere - the survivors are still alive.

 

Why does an Indian wear a feather headdress?

To keep his wigwam.

(to keep his wig warm).

 

What is it that we have in December that we don't have in any other month?

The letter D.

 

What's black and white and red all over?

a. The newspaper (read all over)

b. A bashful zebra

c. A wounded nun.

 

What's black and white and red and can't get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

(типично английский черный юмор).