Структурные и содержательные особенности английского юмора.

Юмор, как случайная или сознательная игра слов, в основе которой лежит лингвистическая и ситуативная схожесть, полисемия, омонимия, оговорки, описки, ляпсусы становятся каламбурами, когда они приобретают сознательно литературную форму и осознанно цитируются в анекдотах, рассказах, шутках.

«Хотелось как лучше, а получилось как всегда» - гениальная фраза В. Черномырдина, которую можно взять в качестве еще одного определения каламбура, т.е. несовпадение мысли с высказыванием.

В английском языке подобный вид оговорок называется малапропизмом (Malaprop- героиня комедии Р.Б. Шеридана «Соперники» (The Rivals), написанной более 200 лет назад). Она, госпожа Малапроп, особенно гордилась своим «King's English», и вот пример одного из ее известных высказываний:

Sir, if I reprehend anything in this world, it is the use of the oracular (она имеет в виду vernacular) tongue and a nice derangement of epitaphs (т.е. a nice arrangement of epitaphs). Эта знаменитая старая дева, которая была «а pineapple of perfection» (читай a pinnacle of perfection), дала название стилистическому пласту. Само имя этой героини заимствовано из французского языка и означает: «невпопад», «неуместно», «не так, как надо».

Одним из источников данного приложения являются книги-бестселлеры Ричарда Ледерера (Richard Lederer) который на основе 40.000 присланных ему по электронной почте сообщений, выбрал 2000 наиболее юмористических, смешных и несуразных выражений, оговорок, опечаток, заголовков и высказываний политиков, религиозных лидеров, актеров, учащихся и т.д.

Примем за основу систематизацию Р. Ледерера, проанализировав которую мы разделили ее на две категории:

1. механистическая

2. лингвистическая

К первой относятся оговорки и опечатки носителей языка. Здесь действуют лингвистические законы аналогии, сходства, смежности и ложной этимологизации.

Вот прекрасный, забавный пример, иллюстрирующий эту категорию ошибок: В аэропорту 10-летний мальчик спрашивает маму: «Why aren't helicopters called heavenhopters? After all, they do rise upward" Мальчик воспринимает слово «helicopter» как состоящее из двух частей «hell» - ад (который, естественно, символ преисподней, подземелий) и copter как сам летательный аппарат, который по его логике должен лететь вверх, в небеса, т.е. heaven.

Этот подраздел у Р. Ледерера так и называется «устами младенца». К этому, механистическому разделу можно отнести выделенные Р. Ледерером ошибки в школьных сочинениях, студенческих эссе, типографические ошибки и опечатки, ляпы в речах политических деятелей! Например, в США издано 4 тома так называемых «бушизмов». Вот один, пожалуй, самый известный «бушизм»: "Don't misunderestimate me". Здесь Буш соединяет и смешивает два существующих слова: misunderstand (неправильно понять) и underestimate (недооценивать).

Нас же более всего интересует 2-я, лингвистическая, категория, к которой мы относим непонимание языковых тонкостей, как носителями языка, так и иностранцами, изучающими английский язык. Из объявления в индийской газете г. Мадрас:

"Our Editors are colleged and write like the Kipling and the Dickens". (Ирландское выражение "What the Dickens" означает «какого черта»).

Понятно, что слово college не имеет глагольной формы и перед именами собственными артикль не употребляется.

Рекламное объявление китайской гостиницы:

Hua Tian is among the few best foreign affairs (иностранных дел, любовных интрижек) hotels.

К лингвистическим относятся также ошибки в грамматике, проистекающие из недостаточного знания орфографии, степеней сравнения, глагольных форм, синтаксических правил. Особенно это видно в письменных работах школьников и студентов:

1. Anna Anderson requested that she be cremated before her death.

2. She danced every night with the captain of the boat in high-heeled shoes.

3. Defendant was charged with earless (careless) driving.

Таким образом, из подобных ошибок, оговорок и прочих языковых казусов и рождаются новые юмористические обороты, определяющие стилистические особенности английского языка.

Приложение является преимущественно выборкой наиболее веселых, остроумных лингвистически ценных образцов английского юмора из большого количества таких источников как сборники шуток, каламбуров, анекдотов, опечаток, оговорок, ток-шоу, газет, журналов и пр. Нам было очень весело при составлении этого приложения. Желаем и вам повеселиться от души.

Автор

 

 

Для тех, кто, к сожалению, по неведомой мне причине так и не удосужился прочитать предыдущий том моей словарной трилогии, в эту книгу перенесен Весёлый бонус, который как нельзя лучше подготовит вас к восприятию английского юмора во всех его проявлениях.

 

From the Mouths of Babes

1. At an airport, a 10-year-old boy asked his mother, "Why aren't helicopters called heavencopters? After all, they do rise upward." (hell – ад, heaven – рай, небеса. Ребенок не понял, почему первая часть слова helicopter – hell, a не heaven,ведь вертолеты поднимаются вверх)

2. During an especially trying time in the classroom, a teacher shrugged her shoulders and sighed, "C'est la vie," The pupils all shouted, "La vie!"

3. A four-year-old boy answered the telephone this way: "My sister can't come to the phone. She's up­stairs writing in her diarrhea. " (мальчик перепутал слова diary (дневник) и diarrhea (понос)).

 

Losing the Human Race

1. The Egyptians worshiped the god Onassis¹. They raped² mummies in bandages. Rosetta Stone³ was the first queen of Egypt.

(1. Конечно, имелся в виду бог египтян Осирис (Osiris),

бог растительности и живой природы, убитый своим братом рыжим богом Сетом. Ежегодно египтяне праздновали воскресение Осириса и специально выращивали к этому дню свежую зелень в горшочках, которую называли «полями Осириса».

Aristotle Onassis, с кем был спутан вышеупомянутый бог, - муж Жаклин Кеннеди, жены покойного президента США Джона Кеннеди. Миллиардер, греческий судовладелец.

2. Конечно, подразумевалось слово wrapped (заворачивали, обвязывали), а не raped (насиловали).

3. Rosetta Stone – это не женское имя, а название базальтовой плиты (таблицы), найденной в 1799 году в городе Розетта (в Египте, в дельте Нила). Относится ко времени царствования Птолемея X и содержит надписи, высеченные параллельно-расположенными иероглифами на египетском и греческом языках. Эти надписи послужили ключом к расшифровке древних египетских текстов.

2. After the second invasion of Greece, the Athenians took refuse on their ships.

(имелось в виду refuge – убежище)

3. The chief clause of the Magna Carta was that no free man should be put to death or imprisoned without his own consent.

(парадокс: в этом случае никто бы не сидел в тюрьме и, тем более, не был бы казнен).

4. My favorite character in English history is Henry VIII because he had eight wives and killed them all. Henry VIII lived in a two Door castle. During his reign, the head of the church fell into the hands of the King. Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsey that he made him a cardigan. (Tudor castle, cardinal).

5. Unfortunately, Marie Ann Twinette was beheaded. After she died, she had very little chance to continue her career. During the French Revolution, many French nobles requested giblets rather than the guillotine.

(Конечно, имелась в виду Marie Antoinette. Действительно, после смерти практически нет шансов продвигаться по карьерной лестнице. Giblets – гусиные потроха, надо было использовать слово gibbet – виселица).

6. "I think, therefore I am" was said by the philosopher Day Cart (правильное написание Descartes – Декарт).

7. Karl Marx declared that religion was the opinion of the people (opium of the people- религия – опиум для народа).

8. The Mayflower Compact was a small ship that brought Columbus to America. Columbus knelt down, thanked God, and put the American flag in the ground. Tarzan is a short name for the American flag. Its full name is Tarzan Stripes (stars and stripes).

Mayflower – это корабль, на котором Отцы пилигримы (Pilgrim Fathers) приплыли из английского города Plymouth в Америку в 1620 году. Корабль был мал, но не настолько, чтобы сравнивать его с малолитражным автомобилем (compact)).

9. America was founded by four fathers (Forefathers – отцы-основатели нации ). The Declaration of Independence says all men are cremated equal (created equal) and are well-endowed (to be well-endowed – иметь большой половой орган) by their creator. The Constitu­tion of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility (security). The first amendment to the Constitution gives me the right to bare arms (bear arms – носить оружие).

10. George Washington was a very social man. He had big balls and everyone enjoyed them (обыгрывается многозначность слова balls – 1. балы 2. яички).

11. Abraham Lincoln lived at the Gettysburg Address. He wrote the exclamation proclamation (Emancipation Proclamation). His pictures make him look thin and emancipated (emaciated – изможденный ). Lincoln de­bated Kennedy on TV in 1960. Kennedy won because he looked good. Lincoln had pallor due to his assassi­nation (будешь бледным после покушения на убийство).

12. One of the major events of the twentieth Century was World War I, which made people so sad that it brought on something called the Great Depression. World War II happened when Hitler and the Knotsies (the Nazis) had erotic dreams (erratic dreams) of conquest all over Europe, but Franklin Roosevelt went over there and put a stop to him. Hitler committed suicide in his bunk. World War II ended on V-Day (V-Day – Victory Day; также Venereal Disease).

13. Martin Luther was born in Germany and had a dream. He went to Washington and told his Sermon on the Monument ( Moses (Моисей) произнес sermon on the Mount Sinai ). Later, he nailed 96 Protestants in the Watergate scandal, which made a new religious and rasial (racial) morality in the United States.

(Ошибка студента заключается в том, что он неправильно расслышал и поэтому неправильно «догадался» и спутал sermon on the mount (нагорная исповедь Христа на горе Синайской, где он вручил Моисею 10 заповедей) с известным любому американцу the Washington Monument.

Далее, Мартин Лютер (1483-1546) – вождь Протестантской реформации – повесил на дверях церкви в Виттенберге в 1517 году 95 тезисов, критикующих церковь за торговлю индульгенциями).

Science Friction

1. A student in science class wrote: "The universe is a giant orgasm. " (organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory. " (т еория большого взрыва, но, учитывая, что ученик вместо слова organism использовал слово orgasm, учитель сделал очень остроумный комментарий, так как слово bang в англ. языке означает еще и половой акт).

2. All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms (condom – презерватив. Конечно, ученик имел в виду condo – condominium).

3. Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity (law of gravity).

4. Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove gravity. (Во-первых, что такое «наоборот» от слова «круглый»? С многозначным словом balls вы уже, конечно, знакомы. И вообще, предметы разные бросал, по-моему, не он, а Ньютон).

5. Marie and Perrier Curie shared the Noble Prize ( конечно же, the Nobel Prize).

6. Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Insti­tute in France (Sorbonne – Сорбонна). (Sore buns – воспаленные, больные ягодицы).

7. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

8. Dinosaurs became extinct after the flood because they were too big to get into the ark.

9. Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

10. Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

11. A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.

12. A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight (в Фаренгейтах измеряется температура, а не градусная мера).

13. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin (Oxygen) and Hydrogin (Hydrogen). Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

14. As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

15. The union of the egg and sperm is called deception (conception - зачатие).

16. Human beings share a need for food, shelter, and sex with lower animals.

17. The safest sex is absence (Самый безопасный секс – это его отсутствие).

18. On a date, a boy tries to show how masculine he is. On this point, a girl can help greatly.

19. Teenage suicide is a problem because approximately 400,000 teenagers attempt to commit suicide and only 7,000 succeed.

 

Finally, here are some science daffynitions concocted by our students, who are well on their way to becoming the scientists of tomorrow:

- Aorta: a man who makes long speeches (orator).

- Equator: a menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

(эти слова похожи при быстром неряшливом произношении).

 

Stop the Music!

1. Caruso was the first Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

2. Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached (см. далее. В словаре не раз встречается данная идиома).

3. The principle singer of the 19th-centurv opera was called pre-Madonna (prima donna).

4. At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves (play with oneself – заниматься мастурбацией, т.е., дословно, играть с собой).

5. All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants (потомки).

 

6. Music: sung by two people at the same time is called a duel (a duo). If they sing without music, it is called Acapulco ( a capella).

7. Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. (Low sort – низкий сорт, низкосортная музыка. Имеется в виду, что контральто – это женский низкий голос).

8. A harp is a nude piano. (Арфа – это голое (раздетое) пианино).

9. An oboe is an American tramp. (written by a British student).

(По-американски ‘бродяга’ – hobo).

10. A Stradivarius is a prehistoric animal.

11. An opera is a song of bigly size.

12. An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

13. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. (И действительно, refrain – 1. воздерживаться от чего-л., сдерживаться 2. припев, рефрен).

14. I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say (ложная этимологизация).

15. Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

(spinster – старая дева. Здесь, конечно, надо писать spinet – клавесин).

16. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote three symphonies: the Third, the Fifth, and the Ninth. He wrote music even though he was deaf. Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his death?

Pullet Surprising Literature¹

1. Mr. Murdstone treated David Copperfield's Mother like a very terranical mail shovenist. (tyrannical male chauvinist).

2. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was born in Portland, Maine, while his parents were traveling abroad.

3. Emily Dickinson was a wreck loose in society (recluse – отшельник).

4. Anton Chekhov was the son of Russian pheasants (peasants).

5. In Of Human Bondage, Philip stays up all night studding with Mildred (конечно, studying; stud – жеребец, самец, соответственно, to stud означает…).

6. Suicide was a way of life for Hemingway.

¹обыгр. Pulitzer prize

7. In A Streetcar Named Desire («Трамвай Желание» У.Теннеси), the climax is when Blanche goes to bed with Stella's husband. At the end, Blanche goes to a mental institution, where she dis­covers what life is really like.

8. Lord of the Flies is a story about a bunch of boys on an uninhibited desert island (uninhabited – необитаемый, а вот uninhibited – вседозволенный, т.е. остров, где все дозволено).

 

Poly-Tickle Speeches

1. No man is an Ireland (island).

2. Today the real problem is future.

3. "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world," promised former Vice President Dan Quayle, who also proclaimed: "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."

4. "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave," said former President Gerald Ford at a Lincoln's birthday dinner. Ford also said, "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."

5. Former Michigan Governor George Romney offered clarification: "I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very clear.”

6. We have two incredibly credible witnesses here, - an­nounced U.S. Senator Joe Biden at the U.S. Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Clarence Thomas. One of those unbelievably believable witnesses was Thomas, now a justice on the court, who repeatedly denied "uncategorically" Anita Hill's allegations of sexual harassment.

7. Argued law-and-order Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo, who had also been chief of police, "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."

8. When he heard that the indicted Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by the House instead of in a regular court, Rep. Charles Vanik of Ohio exclaimed, "He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of 12 honest men and give it to 435 Congressmen!"

9. Sen. Wally Horn of Iowa commented on the issue of what size basketball girls should use: "Girls shouldn't play with men's balls. Their hands are too small."

10. A Louisiana lawmaker, loudly opposing a bill for the benefit of dependent children, shouted, "To hell with posterity. What's posterity ever done for us?" (posterity – потомство, последующие поколения).

11. U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer announced, "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."

 

The word politics derives from poly, "many," and ticks, "blood-sucking parasites." Here are more classics of poly-tickle science:

12. Anyone working for the town should be above and beyond approach (reproach - упрек).

13. The average age of a 7-year-old in this state is 13.

14. We have a permanent plan for the time being.

15. It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it squarely in the eye. (Вообще-то, говорят to grab the bull by the horns)

16. I think I misquoted myself.

17. My knowledge is no match for his ignorance.

18. I don't necessarily believe what I think.

19. I know what I believe is different from what I think.

20. Do you realize that DNR wants to buy up millions of acres of land in northern Wisconsin that have been untouched by nature?

DNR – Department of Natural Resources (министерство природных ресурсов).

 

A Guide to Sportspeak

1. There's a long drive! Winfield is going back, back, back! He hits his head against the wall! It's rolling to second base!

2. Next up is Fernando Gonzales, who is not playing tonight.

3. The Padres took a three-game series from the Giants, three games to two.

4. He's already got two championship rings under his belt.

5. That long drive actually sailed into the second bal­cony and hit a fan on the fly.

6. Listen to that! Eighty thousand football fans, and not one of them is making a sound!

7. They really miss the absence of Louis Lipps.

8. I'm the football coach around here and don't you remember it.

9. The greatest thing just happened to me. I got indicted (inducted) into the Florida Sports Hall of Fame. They gave me a standing observation (standing ovation).

10. You guys have to run a little more than full speed out there.

11. You guys line up alphabetically by height.

(А ну, построились по росту в алфавитном порядке!)

12. You guys pair off in groups of threes, then line up in a circle.

(Похоже на солдатский юмор:

Так, разбейтесь по парам в тройки и встаньте в круг).

 

Blessed Bloopers

1. Support our church rummage sale: a good opportu­nity to get rid of anything not worth keeping but too good to throw away (держать – накладно, а выбросить жалко). Bring your husband.

2. Please bring nonperishable foods (непортящиеся продукты) to the church tonight. Take along your husband.

3. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow (горох и фасоль – «музыкальные» бобовые).

4. The choir of the Church of the Enunciation will perform in the upcoming choir festival.

(нужно: the Church of Annunciation (благовещения); enunciation – деланное, сверхправильное произношение, декламация).

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Beiser, the sin of Rev and Mrs; • Julius Beiser (опечатка вместо son).

6. «Women in Harmony» makes its debut at the Immanuel Baptist Church in Portland next week. The chorus's repertoire is clearly woman-centered, but doesn't lack broad-based appeal (одно из значений слова broad – проститутка, шлюха).

7. Among the topics to be discussed by the church women's group will be abortion, family life, and youth in Asia (Действительно, произношение слова euthanasia (эвтаназия) похоже на произношение youth in Asia).

8. A massage by the Rev. Mr. Stuart, of the Pilgrim Holi­ness Church, will follow the singing. (Не массаж, а сообщение (message).

9. Fall Apple Pie Sale— Made from the ladies of the church (конечно, не from, a by the ladies).

10. The choir will sing "I Am But a Small Vice " (vice – порок, нужно voice – голос).

11. The hymen for today is... (hymen – девственная плева; видимо, имелось в виду слово hymn)

12. In a church parking lot:

CHURCH PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS TO WED

AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE

(после only надо поставить запятую).

13. Kerry Bengston is a 10-ear member of the church. (10-year).

14. Please join us for our Christmas concert and sinalong. (нужно: sing along - спевка; sin along – грешить вместе).

15. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church (to be affiliated with – быть членом; to be afflicted – страдать (обычно недугом)).

 

Gavel to Gabble

1. Q: Just so I understand: it doesn't hurt when you have sex?

A: No, it doesn't hurt.

***

Q: Since that time – well, let me put it this way. Nowadays, do you ever have trouble getting an erection?

A: It's harder than before.

***

Q: What happened next? A: I woke up unconscious in the hospital.

***

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

***

2. Q: What did you see when the ac­cused took down his pants?

A: Well, it looked like a penis, only smaller.

3. Q: Well, you're a pretty big man, aren't you?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: How big would you say?

A: Oh, about eight inches.

***

4. Q: Did the defendant have an erection?

The Defense: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.

The Court: I don't think so.

***

5. Q: Looking at People's Exhibit 5, a photograph, can you tell me who is in the picture?

A: That's me and Officer Geiger.

Q: Were you there when the picture was taken?

***

6. Attorney: (in the middle of a cross-examination) Your Honor, one of the jurors is asleep.

The Court: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.

***

7. Attorney: And can you show us a copy of that oral agreement?

 

 

Premedicated Humor

1. The patient is a 32-year-old male who was invoked in an altercation with his ex-wife. He suffered a con­cussion, black eye, and laceration of the arm. She complained of a stress headache from the incident.

2. Patient's wife hit him over the head with an ironing board, which now has six stitches in it.

3. For his impotence we will discontinue the meds and let his wife handle him.

4. She is quite hard of hearing. In fact, she can't hear at all in the left eye.

5. Her first and only child was born at age 44.

6. The patient is 46-vear-old, single, unemployed, retired Hell's Angel (байкер (biker) из байкерской организации «Ангелы ада»).

7. He states he hit his head on his forehead.

8. The genitalia are normal in experience … I’m sorry … appearance.

9. Chief complaint: Auto/pederast accident. History. The patient as a pederast was struck by an automobile of unknown history (pedestrian).

10. The patient says he feels so wonderful he wonders what to do with it.

11. The patient is a Catholic nun currently in between missionaries (missionary – миссионер, проповедник; in between positions – временно без работы).

12. He was the first of eight children. His father died at seven.

13. She has striking red hair and matching brown eyes.

14. Patient stated that if she would lie down, within two or three minutes something would come across her abdomen and knock her up (to knock smb. up – сделать беременной).

15. He has an allergy to asthma.

16. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year. (Так что же у пациента – боли в груди, длящиеся больше года, или боль появляется, если она пролежит на левом боку больше года?)

17. The patient and her husband are both trying to get pregnant.

18. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night.

(слово hot имеет значения: 1. прям. горячий 2. перен. горячий в смысле темпераментный, сексуально возбужденный).

 

Laugh Insurance

Here are some explanations for calamitous claims, as received by various insurance company divisions and underwriters. Each is a laugh insurance policy in itself:

1. An airplane hit the house and came in.

2. I was up a tree after a squirrel, and a guy shot at me.

3. Hernia (грыжа) from pulling cork out of bottle.

4. I was crossing the street when a car hit my husband, causing me to break my left foot.

5. Getting on a bus, the driver started before I was all in (т.е. водитель тронулся, когда я еще не вся вошла).

6. While dancing in the navy, someone stepped on my hand.

7. I fell, hitting my right head.

8. I displaced my shoulder swatting a fly.

9. I keep vomiting on an empty stomach.

10. I hurt my leg and ever since have been decapitated (decapitated – обезглавленный; нужно incapacitated – стала инвалидом).

11. I woke up unconscious (я проснулся без сознания).

12. I am sick now from an absence in my head (имелось в виду abscess – абсцесс, опухоль).

13. While waving good night to a friend, I fell out a two-story window.

14. I broke my foot when I jumped from a 10-foot bank to get down in a ditch so I could get up a tree.

15. My downfall was a stairway (downfall – падение во всех смыслах, т.е. крах).

16. I fell from the ceiling at home. Am nervous to work now.

17. Broken uncle (конечно, не uncle, а ankle – лодыжка).

18. I have romantic fever.

19. I was break-dancing, and I think the break broke me.

 

Signs of Trouble

1. Near a London hospital:

HOSPITAL

PLEASE GO QUIETLY

2. Near Heathrow Airport:

TWA—FLIGHTS TO THE UNITED STATES AND CALIFORNIA (TWA – прекратившая существование T rans W orld A irlines).

3. In the window of a Woodsville, Washington, store:

OUT OF BUSINESS

THANKS TO OUR CUSTOMERS

4. On the door of a men’s room in West Virginia:

MEN

SLIPPERY

WHEN

WET

5. Outside a cabinetmaker’s shop in Sperryville, Virginia:

ANTIQUE TABLES

MADE DAILY

6. On a Newton, Massachusetts, club:

LIVE LOBSTERS

DANCING NIGHTLY

7. At a Sandwich, Massachusetts, diner: we guarantee fast SERVICE NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.

8. In the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant in Detroit: employ­ees must wash your hands.

9. On a farm near Elizabethtown, Kentucky: used COWS for SALE.

10. On a back road in Washington State:

New and used antiques

Come in

We are closed

11. In the Mammoth Caves in Virginia; bottomless (бездонная) pit—175 FEET DEEP

12. At the entrance of a one-way bridge in Sonoma, California: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDERWATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE

13. At the entrance to a bridge in Philadelphia:

IN CASE OF ENEMY ATTACK

DO NOT STOP

DRIVE RIGHT OFF BRIDGE

14. In a Portland, Maine, parking garage: tenants not paid by THE 15TH OF THE MONTH WILL BE TERMINATED.

15. In a Brooklyn barbershop window: during construction WE WILL SHAVE YOU IN THE REAR.

(in the rear – на задворках, в подсобке; rear ( end) – задница).

16. In a Baltimore restaurant: all food must pass through THE CASHIER BEFORE ENTERING THE DINING ROOM

Headline Headaches

Sometimes you need to know the context of headline in order to guess what it's trying to announce:

1. MONTANA TRADED TO KANSAS CITY Explanation: San Francisco 49ers quarterback Joe Montana was traded to the Kansas City Chiefs (49ers – лучшая калифорнийская футбольная команда).

2. DEAD GUITARIST NOW SLIMMER AND TRIMMER Explanation: Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Garcia was on a diet.

3. SENTINEL NAMES SOBER FEMALE ATHLETE OF YEAR Explanation: An athlete named Erin Sober was being honored (игра слов на совпадении фамилии Sober со значением слова sober – трезвый. По-русски звучало бы примерно так: Трезвая Ирина названа лучшей спортсменкой года).

Now we can turn to the "How's That Again?" department (раздел идиотской логики типа «Как это, как это?». Some call these examples blinkers because, quite simply, they make the reader blink:

1. MAN JUMPS OFF 2ND STREET BRIDGE. NEITHER JUMPER NOR BODY FOUND

2. LEGISLATOR WANTS TOUGHER DEATH PENALTY

3. LEARNING TO SKI AN UPHILL BATTLE, EXPERTS SAY

4. WOMAN IMPROVING AFTER FATAL CRASH

5. MANY WHO MOVE TO FLORIDA LEAVE AFTER DEATH

6. PROPERLY DRAFTED WILL REDUCES ANXIETY AFTER DEATH

7. BOY DECLARED DEAD, REVIVES AS FAMILY PROTESTS

8. MOTHER OF 18 CHILDREN IN TROUBLE AGAIN

9. SUICIDE BOMBERS STRIKE AGAIN

10. DEAD COYOTE FOUND IN BRONX LAUNCHES SEARCH FOR ITS MATE