Art and literature: batty books

(Batty – сумасшедший, тронутый, спятивший, помешавшийся)

A Young Man's Guide to Dating - by Caeser Titly (seize her titly)

Bank Robbery - by Xavier Muny (have your money)

Beach refreshments- by Conan Wafer (cone and wafer- мороженое с вафлей)

Carpet Laying - by Walter Wall (Wall-to-wall)

Challenging Uncertainty - by R U Shaw (are you sure?)

Costume Jewellery - by Fay Kerings (fake earrings)

Dating Period Furniture - by Anne Teak (пароним слова antique)

Dealing with Alcoholism - by Carrie M Holme (carry me home)

Drop Your Knickers - by Lucy Lastic (loose elastic)

Eating Cheap - by Roland Marge (roll and marge- булочка с маргарином)

Entertaining with Friends - by Maude de Merryer (пароним слова Merrier- подвыпивший, the more – the merrier, чем больше гостей, тем веселее)

Fun at the Fairground - by Felix Ited (feel + exited (возбужденный))

Growing Vegetables - by Tom А Tow (tomato)

How to Make an Igloo - by S K Mow (Eskimo)

Was a Failed Lion Tamer - by Claude Bottom (clawed bottom)

Improve Your Memory - by Ivor Gott (созвучно I forgot)

Keeping Caged Birds - by Ken Airey (созвучно canary)

Know Your Letters - by Alf A Bet (alphabet)

Living With Large Families - by Bertha Twins (berth of twins)

My Favourite Sandwich - by Hammond Tonge (ham- ветчина + пароним tongue-язык ham and tongue)

My Political Memoirs - by Lisa Lott (lies a lot)

Reading Problems - by Liz Dexia (dyslexia наоборот, ведь люди, страдающие дислексией пишут буквы не в том порядке)

Sailing for Beginners - by Abal C Man (able seaman)

She Stoops to Conquer - by Eileen Dover (I leaned over)

Simple Tattoos - by Marcus Alover (marks all over)

The Big Book of Welsh Jokes - by Dai Laffin (die laughing)

The Expectant Bride - by Marius Ina Hurrie (marries in a hurry)

The Library Thieves - by M T Shelvse (empty shelves- пустые полки)

The Runaway Bull - by Gay Topen (gate open)

The Typical Scot - by Titus Canbee (tight as can be – жадный до жути)

The World of Hairdressing - by Aaron Floor (hair on Floor)

AND LITERATURE: WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS

	A Guide to French Hospitality
	Путеводитель по французскому гостеприимству.
	Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific
	Путеводитель Амелии Эхарт по Тихому океану Amelia Mary Earhart was a noted American aviation pioneer. Earhart was the first woman to receive the Distinguished Flying Cross, which she was awarded as the first aviatrix to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. She set many other records, wrote best-selling books about her flying experiences, and was instrumental in the formation of The Ninety-Nines, an organization for female pilots. During an attempt to make a circumnavigational flight of the globe in 1937, Earhart disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean near Howland Island. Fascination with her life, career and disappearance continues to this day.
	Career Opportunities for History Majors.
	Карьерные возможности для выпускников истфака
	Different Ways to Spell Bob
	Все варианты написания слова Боб.
	Everything Men Know About Women
	Все, что мужчины знают о женщинах
	Everything Women Know About Men
	Все, что женщины знают о мужчинах
	Staple Your Way to Success
	Твой путь к успеху.
	The Amish Phone Directory. Amish (амиши, старообрядцы) The faith group has attempted to preserve the elements of late 17th century European rural culture. They try to avoid many of the features of modern society, by developing practices and behaviors, which isolate themselves from American culture.
	Телефонный справочник старообрядцев-амишей.
	The Australian Book of Foreplay
	Австралийский путеводитель по сексуальной прелюдии
	The Big Book of Tasty Bile Recipes
	Энциклопедия рецептов приготовления блюд из желчи.
	The Book of French Military Victories
	История французских военных побед
	The Engineers' Guide to Fashion
	Путеводитель по моде для инженеров.
	The Lawyers Code of Ethics
	Код этики (этические нормы) для юристов.
	The Ronald Reagan Memoirs
	Мемуары Рональда Рейгана. (у Рональда Рейгана была болезнь Альцгеймера, т.е. потеря памяти)
	The Very Best of German Humour.
	Сливки немецкого юмора.
	Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
	Вещи, которые я не могу себе позволить купить. Билл Гейтс
	Zagat's Guide to Cities Without a Starbucks (Zagat - Most Trusted Guide to Restaurant Reviews and Ratings for New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Boston …)
	Starbucks Coffee Company is the leading retailer, roaster and brand of specialty coffee in the world.

We Kid You Not.

The sins of the fathers, the Second Commandment tells us, shall be visited upon the children unto the third and fourth generations. And so shall the fluffs and flubs and goofs and gaffes of the fathers (and mothers), albeit in a much more innocent form. Children are rich natural sources of flesh bloopers. Some of the brightest pearls in my collection fall from the mouths of babes who are scarcely older than babies.

For example, an eight-year-old girl submitted this gem about ‛people’ to her teacher:

People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are no good at all until they grow up and get married. Men who don’t get married are not good either. Boys are awful bother. They want everything they see except soap.

My ma is a woman and my pa is a man. A woman is a grown-up girl with children. My pa is such a nice man that I think he must have been a girl when he was a little boy.

Schoolteachers love adding such writing to their collections of ‛kiddisms’ and keep journals of the amusing things their students have said. Some send these slops of the pen and slips of the lips to me so that I can share them with you.

1.	During the academic practice, students were asked to name our national anthem. One student answered, “ The Star-Strangled Banner ”.
	star-spangled banner — 'звездный флаг' (национальный флаг США); 'the Star-Spangled Banner' — 'Звездное знамя' название национального гимна США; Strangled – это ‘задушенный’.
2.	“Does anyone know what the pasture is?” asked the fourth-grade teacher. A hand shot up, and a pupil volunteered, “He’s the guy at church!” “No,” corrected a classmate. “The guy at church isn’t called a pasture. He’s called a miniature. ”
	Шутка основана на созвучии: Pastor – пастор pasture – пастбище Minister – священник; miniature – миниатюра
3.	When a six-year-old was presented with a photograph of a mummy and was asked what a mummy is, he replied: “A mummy is a dead person wrapped in toilet paper!”
	Когда шестилетнему ребёнку показали фотографию мумии и спросили, что такое мумия, он ответил: “Мумия-это мертвец, завёрнутый в туалетную бумагу!”
4.	A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled. From the very top hung something that looked strangely like a bullet. She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat and bushy pine tree. “It’s not a Christmas tree, ”he said. “It’s a cartridge in a pear tree.”
	Cartridge – патрон, гильза. Ребенок перепутал это слово с существительным partridge- куропатка.
5.	Mother (to her six-year-old son): What sound does the cow make? Son: Moo. Mother: What does a duck make? Son: Quack, quack. Mother: You are such a smart little boy. Can you tell me what sound a frog makes? Son: (after hesitating): Bud. Lite.
	Bud – сорт пива Budweiser (Lite – легкое (упрощенное написание слова light)) В известной американской рекламе лягушка «выквакивает» эти два слова Bud Lite.
6.	Lisa was now seven and took a special pride in her growing vocabulary. Referring to an American history lesson, she announced, “We learned about the American Constipation, Mommy.”
	Constipation - запор. Имелось в виду слово constitution – конституция.
7.	When her mother’s sister appeared at the door, a little girl exclaimed, “Ooh, Auntie. I ’m so glad you’ve arrived ’cause Daddy said your visit was just what we needed.”
	Когда сестра мамы появилась в дверях, девочка воскликнула: “О! Тетя, я так рада, что ты приехала, потому что папа сказал, что твой приезд – это как раз то, чего нам не хватало”.
8.	A new neighbor asked a little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied: “No, I am the lonely child!”
	Сосед спросил маленькую девочку, есть ли у нее братик или сестричка. Она ответила: Нет, я одинокий ребенок! Надо было сказать the only child – единственный ребенок
9.	Another four year-old boy was out in his backyard when he noticed a friend of his mother smoking a cigarette. “What are you doing?” asked the tike. “Smoking,” explained the grown-up. To which the child replied, “Don’t you know that if you keep doing that you’ll get canceled?”
	Cancel – отмена. Мальчик перепутал его со словом cancer - рак.
	What is water anyways? H20 is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
	Что такое вода? H2O – это холодная вода, а CO2 – горячая Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
	Question: What does the word “benign” mean? Answer: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
	На самом деле ‘ benign’ означает добрый, милостивый, доброкачественный (об опухоли), но произносится это слово совсем как ‘be nine’.
	One day a guy was driving with his four-year old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, “I did that by accident.” She replied, “I know that, Daddy.” He replied, “How’d you know?” The girl said, “Because you didn’t say JERK afterwards!”
	Однажды отец вез на машине свою четырехлетнюю дочь и случайно нажал на клаксон автомобиля. Она вопросительно посмотрела на него в ожидании объяснения, зачем он это сделал. Отец сказал: «Я случайно». Девочка ответила: «Я знаю, пап». «А откуда ты знаешь?» «Потому что ты бибикнул, а ПРИДУРОК не сказал.
	Love is: - Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. - Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. - Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
	- Любовь – это когда ты говоришь парню, что тебе нравится его рубашка, и он начинает носить ее каждый день. - Любовь – это когда во время обеда ты отдаешь кому-то большую часть своей жареной картошки, а взамен ничего не требуешь. - Любовь – это когда мама варит кофе моему папе и обязательно пробует чуть-чуть из его чашки, чтобы удостовериться, что вкусно.
	Welcome to McDonalds… This is about a physician and her four year old daughter: On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?
	История о враче-терапевте и ее четырехлетней дочери. Везя свою дочь на подготовительные занятия, врач положила свой стетоскоп на сиденье автомобиля. Ее маленькая дочь нашла его и начала с ним играть. «Не стучи так громко, сердце» - подумала врач – «Моя дочь хочет пойти по моим стопам и стать врачом». Но вдруг девочка сказала прямо в инструмент, как в микрофон: «Добро пожаловать в МакДональдс. Могу ли я принять у вас заказ?»
	A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
	Женщина пыталась вытрясти кетчуп из бутылки. В этот момент зазвонил телефон, и трубку сняла ее четырехлетняя дочь. «Мам, это святой отец» - сказал ребенок матери. Потом, обращаясь к звонящему, добавила: «Мама не может подойти к телефону. Она запила». To hit the bottle – пристраститься к бутылке, но также и стучать по бутылке, как в данном контексте.
	A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
	Маленький мальчик потерялся в молодежном лагере и, блуждая, очутился в женской раздевалке. Когда девушки его заметили, они завизжали и, прикрываясь полотенцами, разбежались в поиске укрытия. Ребенок в изумлении наблюдал за всем этим и спросил: «Что происходит? Вы что никогда раньше не видели маленького мальчика?» YMCA - Young Men's Christian Association - Христианский союз молодых людей (международная организация).
	While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
	Когда я работала в организации, занимающейся доставкой обедов пожилым лежачим больным, я всегда брала с собой свою четырехлетнюю дочь. У нее вызывали неизменный интерес различные вспомогательные приспособления пожилых людей, в особенности трости, ходунки и инвалидные кресла. Однажды я обнаружила, что она, не отрываясь, смотрит на искусственную челюсть, отмокающую в стакане. Я приготовилась к граду вопросов, но она лишь повернулась ко мне и прошептала: «Зубная фея обалдеет!!»
	A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

 

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students She presented each child the first half of a well-known proverb and asked it to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind these are first graders, 6-year-olds, the last one is a classic!

Надеюсь, что все эти поговорки в их традиционном виде вам известны. Если нет, справьтесь в словаре.

 

1. Don't change horses...until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7. No news is...impossible.
8. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...me.
12. The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...not much.
17. Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
18. A miss is as good as a...Mr.
19. Laugh & the whole world laughs with you, cry &... You have to blow Your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you... See in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

 

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than...Pregnant.

 

 

Medical humour

 

Думаю, что не открою Америки, сказав, что медицинский юмор - это особенный юмор, подчас имеющий черную окраску. Он понятен и тем, кто сам является медиком, и тем, кто когда-либо носил гордое имя «пациент» (многие разбираются в своих болячках не хуже лечащего врача, а иногда и советы дать могут). Этот раздел предназначен для тех, кого не коробит "этот ужасный циничный медицинский юмор".

Кстати, слово humour имеет еще другие значения в английском языке. Прочтите:

[Most people think that medical humor consists of doctor and HMO (Health Maintenance Organization) jokes (and some of it does) but in medicine the word "humor" has another sense and refers to a fluid (or semifluid) substance, (humour - влага, жидкость (как основное начало в живом теле), cardinal humours — основные "соки" в организме человека, физиол.; мед. телесная жидкость).

[ Humerus (мн.числ. humeri) – плечевая кость (от плеча до локтя)]

Но это так, к слову. В данном разделе мы все-таки будем шутить.

Вот несколько примеров медицинского юмора так сказать «по-русски»:

 

Все ампутировать мы, к сожалению, не можем – кое-что придется и лечить…

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В районную больницу был доставлен пациент с больной ногой. После длительной операции ногу удалось спасти, пациент скончался...

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Пациент спрашивает у врача:
- Доктор, я жить буду?
- Не знаю, я еще не решил.

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