ALICE’S RUSSIAN SOUL От сердца отлегло.

THREE WEEKS IN LONDON

by A. Bachelor; edited by Nicki Richards; abridged by Boris S. Grechin (Short dramatic version)

CHARACTERS

ALICE FLORENSKY                         SIR GILBERT BLOOM                     MRS MERCY WALKING   PATRICK SHEPHERD

               

PATRICIA MCARTHUR                    ADELE CAROLINE                                           AGNESE BERZINA                           DEVIL ONE                      

DEVIL TWO                                      THE NARRATOR                               ALICE'S RUSSIAN SOUL

PRELUDE

THE NARRATOR Уважаемые зрители, история, которую мы хотим рассказать, — это история нашей соотечественницы по имени Элис Флоренски, которая так долго живёт в Лондоне, что, по её собственному признанию, стала забывать слова родного языка. Первая сцена застаёт её на выставке современного искусства. Она только что получила письмо, в котором сказано, что любимый ей человек погиб два года назад в Иране. У неё не осталось в Британии по-настоящему близких людей, нет никакого источника дохода, нет перспектив, нет надежд. Но руку помощи ей протянет сэр Гилберт, который предложит ей, художнице, прочитать курс лекций о русском искусстве для студентов Академии современного искусства в Лондоне.

В качестве прелюдии звучит отрывок из произведения для голоса и лютни Flow My Tears, «Лейтесь, мои слёзы», в исполнении Стинга. Автор музыки и текста — Джон Доулэнд, английский композитор XVI века.

Flow, my tears, fall from your springs!

Exiled for ever, let me mourn;

Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,

There let me live forlorn.

SCENE 1

 

(In a Contemporary Art Gallery.)

Alice is sitting on the bench and struggling with emotions. She has just finished reading a letter saying that her close friend is dead. Sir Gilbert approaches her.

 

SIR GILBERT Do you need help, madam?

 

ALICE No… not really… I… wouldn’t mind a tissue, though.

 

(Sir Gilbert gives her a tissue. Alice weeps. Sir Gilbert takes a seat beside her.)

 

SIR GILBERT Do you mind? You do need someone to talk to.

 

ALICE (struggling with her tears) You see—ah—a friend of mine has died in Iran. Learned just now.

 

SIR GILBERT May I ask your name?

 

ALICE Alice Florensky.

 

SIR GILBERT Sir Gilbert Bloom. Pleased to meet you. I know at least one famous Russian by this second name, which makes me conclude…

 

ALICE …That I am Russian, too. Very insightful, Mr Bloom.

 

Pause.

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Ах ты, глупая женщина! Он же баронет, судя по титулу; к нему нельзя обращаться просто «мистер».

 

ALICE So sorry! Sir Gilbert, I meant.

 

SIR GILBERT (smiles) No offence taken. Do you study here, Mrs Florensky, or do you perform, erm, artistic work of some sort? That is, if I may enquire.

 

ALICE Ms, actually. I was ‘performing artistic work,’ as you very nicely put it, until very recently. Yesterday they said they didn’t want me any longer. And not only that: my work visa expires in a fortnight, my partner, caught in bed with our Portuguese housemaid, probably wants a ménage a trois[1], and now this email… (Smiles with a forced smile) Please don't see it as if I were complaining.

 

SIR GILBERT Very stoic, my dear. You don’t have a permanent residence permit, then? You sound so very British…

 

ALICE No.

 

SIR GILBERT I am terribly afraid to be misinterpreted in my intentions—but do you mind if I take you to a good restaurant in the neighbourhood where we can discuss all these… unfavourable happenings at some more length?

 

Pause. Alice hesitates.

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Зачем он приглашает меня в ресторан? Что ему от меня надо? Вроде бы такой порядочный, пожилой мужчина, ещё и баронет …

SIR GILBERT I am not attracted to women, Ms Florensky, I am too old for that, so you don’t have to be afraid of… you know, very mean things.

 

ALICE’S RUSSIAN SOUL От сердца отлегло.

 

ALICE (exhales) A relief to hear that. No, I don’t mind. Not at all.

 

SCENE 2

 

(In a restaurant.)

SIR GILBERT What do you intend to do next?

 

ALICE No clue…

 

SIR GILBERT Don't you think that your paintings can be a source of moderate income?

 

ALICE Out of the question, Sir Gilbert. I am less than moderate, in terms of my artistic talent.

 

SIR GILBERT Do you think that you can teach visual arts at an academic institution, then?

 

ALICE Who would need me as a teacher?! Sir Gilbert, you are a very, very nice person, but, forgive me, you are sort of—

 

SIR GILBERT Naïve?

 

ALICE Yes—that is, I didn’t mean to be rude.

 

SIR GILBERT Naïve as I may be: can you imagine yourself in a situation when you teach, say, Russian avant-garde art to a group of eighteen-year-old students?

 

ALICE Not really. I don’t like Russian avant garde, the whole of it. That wouldn’t be very honest towards my students, would it?

 

SIR GILBERT I appreciate this position of yours very much, but it awfully complicates things. You… you must be a good and a brave person, Ms Florensky.

 

ALICE What makes you think so, Sir Gilbert?

 

SIR GILBERT The fact that you were not afraid to weep in public. There must be something that sends you good vibes, Miss Florensky. What is it, pray?

 

Pause.

ALICE There are fifteen to perhaps twenty Russian paintings of the late twentieth century that I love very much.

 

SIR GILBERT Excellent! Can you give an academic talk on each of them?

 

ALICE Yes—but who on earth would need it here?

 

SIR GILBERT Do you know the College of Contemporary Arts in London?

 

ALICE No, why?

 

SIR GILBERT Your humble servant happens to be its… well, patron. Suppose I give a c all to Mrs Mercy Walking, the principal. Suppose she invites you as, erm, a visiting professor. This would give you temporary employment, which then would allow us to extend your work visa. How does it sound?

 

Pause.

ALICE’S RUSSIAN SOUL Всё чудесатее и чудесатее… Он мне предлагает работу! Неужели ничего не попросит взамен?

 

ALICE I can find no words to express my gratitude.

 

SIR GILBERT Don’t say anything, then. (He smiles please with himself.)

 

ALICE Wait—I was saying that it sounds too good to be true. Will you ask from me something… specific in return?

 

SIR GILBERT No. I am not a Harvey Weinstein, my dear.

 

ALICE Then—whyare you doing this for a total stranger?

 

SIR GILBERT For sentimental reasons—would you believe me? For some sentimental reasons which I am not going to disclose—not yet.

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Итак, наша героиня получила временную работу. В следующей сцене — её разговор с ректором академии. Ректор предупреждает нового педагога: будьте осторожны с нашими студентами, хоть они и могут показаться вам инфантильными! Именно мелкие люди больше всего оскорбляются, когда им говорят, что они мелкие люди, предостерегает она. Звучит отрывок из песни «Дом» современного британского барда Майкла Дэвида Розенберга. «Дом ваш там, где сердце ваше, — говорит автор. — Но моё сердце свободно. Так я бездомен или просто бессердечен?»

They say home is where the heart is

but my heart is wild and free

So am I homeless

Or just heartless?

Did I start this?

Did it start me?

SCENE 3

(Principal’s office.)

MRS WALKING (looks at Alice who has just entered and smiles) You do look so very Alice-in-Wonderland, dear!

 

ALICE You see, Mrs Walking, I am old enough to stop experimenting with my hair… It is Mrs Walking, isn’t it?

 

They shake hands.

 

MRS WALKING Pray take your seat. (Alice takes her seat at the table.) You were quite a success today, do you know that? Did you like the group?

 

ALICE I did—I am only sorry we never went so far as to actually discuss the painting. They attacked me with all sorts of general questions.

 

MRS WALKING What did they ask you, for instance?

 

ALICE Things like… how does it feel to live here, and whether I really am a monarchist, or whether I really am Russian, and whether I really am an Orthodox Christian believer—

 

MRS WALKING And are you?

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Директор попросила Патрика, одного из студентов Академии, проводить нового педагога домой. По пути учитель и ученик обменялись несколькими фразами. Патрик не без удивления узнал, что новый педагог, оказывается, действительно русская. До того он думал, что это просто розыгрыш с её стороны.

SCENE 4

(In a b us.)

ALICE You know, I am not supposed to kick or bite you, unlike those horses at the Horse Guards…

 

PATRICK I know, thank you, miss—madam, that is. No, you are not one of the horses that may kick or bite. You are just very Russian.

 

ALICE Well, yes… What do you exactly mean saying that, by the way?

 

PATRICK I mean that you are a bit too far with your role-playing; you are so deeply inside of what you research and explore one could believe you actually are a Russian citizen. Do you enjoy it, or what? Do you think it is even remotely funny, these days, and with the Skripal case?  

 

ALICE’S RUSSIAN SOUL Как забавно! Мальчик даже не понял, что я на самом деле русская. Он думает, что я их всех разыгрываю.

 

ALICE Come on, I am Russian. I am a Russian citizen. I am on a visa here.

 

PATRICK I… am terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to sound racist. Was terribly rude of me. I… I’d better say nothing, you know.

 

Alice nods.

 

ALICE We get off here.

 

They get off.

ALICE Ahem… You know, Patrick, this is where I live, so we can say goodbye to each other here.

 

PATRICK Sure, I was wondering, by the way, why you wanted to go by bus, considering that there is a tube station right over there.

 

ALICE I was just pondering over the years of my adolescence.

 

PATRICK You didn’t need me for this in the first place, did you?

 

ALICE Yes, but… you see, Patrick, dear, it was Mrs Walking who wanted you to safely deliver me home. I didn’t ask her for it.

 

PATRICK You didn’t? Aargh! So sorry again—you always manage to get me into most awkward situations!

 

ALICE (laughs) No, Patrick, you luckily get into them on your own. Bye!

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Итак, наша героиня начала работать на новом месте, и вот одна из её студенток, американка по происхождению, уже пожаловалась администрации на нового педагога. Та, по её мнению, слишком много знает, что унизительно для студентов, а кроме того, затрагивает слишком серьёзные и мрачные темы, внушая своим ученикам чувство тоски и неуверенности. Посмотрим, как это было. Интерлюдия — отрывок из песни Survivors Майкла Дэвида Розенберга. «Жизнь — это игра», — говорит Розенберг, вторя словам Германна из оперы Чайковского. Беда в том, что никто не знает, как надо в неё играть.

Oh life

Is just a game

No one ever tells you how to play

See different people

Go different ways

Some of them will leave you but

Some of them will stay

SCENE 5

(Principal’s office.)

MRS WALKING (greets Alice, who has just entered) Morning!

 

ALICE Did you want to see me, Mrs Walking?

 

MRS WALKING (nods) The thing is, Alice… Patricia has complained about you.

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Приехали! Сейчас погонят меня отсюда поганой метлой…

 

ALICE What about?

 

MRS WALKING I didn’t get it right, something about intimidating her—she was furious, actually, simply boiling with rage.

 

SIR GILBERT (who is comfortably sitting on a short, leather sofa) I say again that Ms Florensky is an outstanding lecturer whom I would be proud to have as my professor if I were a student.

 

ALICE Sir Gilbert, thank you.

 

MRS WALKING Of course she is! You know as much as I do that it is not about her being an outstanding lecturer.

 

SIR GILBERT Allow me to disagree, then: it may be precisely about that.

 

MRS WALKING My dear old boy who is so brave with me, can you please say it to her?

 

Patricia enters.

 

MRS WALKING (in an icy tone) Can you please bring forward your complaint, Miss McArthur?

 

SIR GILBERT And can you please take a seat, Patricia

 

PATRICIA (takes a seat close to Sir Gilbert) I was… I was saying that she is assertive and rude, and—

 

MRS WALKING ‘Ms Florensky’ you mean when you say ‘she,’ do you?

 

PATRICIA Yes! And very intimidating, to be sure!

 

MRS WALKING How exactly did Miss Florensky intimidate you?

 

PATRICIA Not me—the class! First, she—

 

SIR GILBERT Firstly.

 

PATRICIA What?!

 

SIR GILBERT i wouldn’t say ‘first’ meaning ‘firstly.’ Better still, say ‘primarily.’

 

PATRICIA (wants to give an angry reply, but checks herself) Yes—she firstly said that we all are sure to die, and it has upset me—the whole class, that is—very much, and—

 

SIR GILBERT Do you disagree with your teacher on this point, then?

 

PATRICIA I’m sorry?

 

SIR GILBERT I said, ‘Are you going to live forever?’

 

PATRICIA No, but… Please don’t make me a fool! She, too, tried to make me a fool! She said that we, unlike her, never came to think of our own death—as if she was showing off herself, and—

 

SIR GILBERT As is she were, my dear. Subjunctive mood.

 

PATRICIA (boils with rage, but checks herself again) And then she started to intrude on our views and said that if we are not church-goers we shall go and kill ourselves, and—

 

ALICE I didn’t say that! I only said that—

 

PATRICIA Hey, it’s me who is bringing forward her complaint now, okay? Can we please follow the standard procedure, Mrs Walking?

 

MRS WALKING We do not have such a thing as ‘the standard procedure’ here, Miss McArthur! We do not receive many complaints.

 

PATRICIA You just wait! And then she kept quoting from the classics, saying, “You must know this” and “You must know that”—imagine, Ms Florensky, we don’tknow this stuff! From Shakespeare, and she didn’t even say it was Shakespeare, as if somebody who didn’t get it must be underdeveloped, and I only guessed it was Shakespeare because she mentioned Hamlet, so I am not that retarded as she thinks. Why does she know things I don’t know? Is it… legal?! I mean, it is intimidating! What if I go to Russia and recite a poem by their Tolstoyevsky, and say, ‘Hey, you don’t know your Tolstoyevsky, I do’? I mean, is this Tolstoyevsky in our syllabus, is he a Russian painter or what? Why isn’t she doing her job and sticking to what she must talk about? Do we pay our money for her intimidating us, or what? Give her the sack! I mean, she is just a hired part-time worker from a third-world country, why don’t you sack her?!

 

MRS WALKING So this was the essence of your complaint, Miss McArthur?! Allow me to say, then, that—

 

SIR GILBERT No, Mercy darling, please allow me. (Turns to Patricia.) My dear young lady, it seems to me that you completely misinterpret the situation. To begin with, Ms Florensky is nota hired worker from a third-world country begging for her wages. She is a celebrated painter and an extremely successful creative professional whose last painting was sold for five thousand pounds. We are proud to see her as our visiting professor—

 

PATRICIA I am sorry, but who are you?

 

Alice suppresses a chuckle.

 

SIR GILBERT (calmly) I am Sir Gilbert Bloom, and I am the chancellor of the college. Which officially means that I am its head. Now back to your complaint. You accuse Ms Florensky of knowing more about English poetry than you do, and you ask us whether it is ‘legal,’ to use your clumsy expression. You see, a teacher is supposed to know more than his students, this being the natural order of things. It was not Ms Florensky but only yourself who has intimidated you, and that by your own ignorance.

 

PATRICIA Good day to you, Mr Bloom! (Gets up as if to leave.)

 

MRS WALKING (through her teeth) Please be so kind as to properly address a member of British nobility, Miss McArthur.

 

SIR GILBERT (to Patricia) Wait, I haven’t finished. You may try to sue me or, indeed, the College, for whatever reason. Just you try, and I will countersue you. I will employ the best lawyers in Britain whom money can buy. I will leave you in your panties—figuratively so, of course, as I am not attracted to women of any age. Do not try to mess up with us, my dear young lady. And yes, good day to you, too.

 

Patricia leaves.

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Какой он умница… Это было по-рыцарски, конечно.

 

MRS WALKING I am really, really sorry, Alice darling—such a shame! I really thought, you know, that you were rude to her, but since it comes to just that… I’ll call a cab to get you home, it is on me.

 

SIR GILBERT No, Mercy—iwill call a cab, and we will have a lunch together—if Ms Florensky doesn’t object to the idea.

 

ALICE You, my brave man, how can I object to that?

 

Mrs Walking utters a chuckle.

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Наша героиня продолжает работать лектором и не всегда находит общий язык со студентами. Во время семинара её студент, уже знакомый нам Патрик, упрекает педагога в целом ряде серьёзных «прегрешений», начиная с того, что она поддерживает Донецкую народную республику в конфликте на Украине, что, конечно, в его глазах исключает педагога из числа «рукопожатных людей». Мисс Флоренски приходится проявить остроумие и находчивость, чтобы ответить ему и разбить его всем пунктам. Звучит отрывок из довоенного вальса Songe d 'Automne, «Осенний сон», написанного британским композитором Арчибальдом Джойсом. Ксати, именно этот вальс упоминается в советской песне военных лет «В лесу прифронтовом».

SCENE 7

(In the classroom.)

‘Please give some examples of people who have transgressed the boundaries of their selves’ is written on the blackboard, being the subject of a classroom discussion.

Patrick gives to Alice a sheet of paper folded into two.

 

ALICE (unfolds it and looks through it) You don’t want to read it, then?

 

PATRICK No, not really. I st-stammer a bit.

 

General amusement.

 

ALICE Or maybe you simply don’t have the courage to read it aloud…

 

PATRICK Yes, sure, because I am not Leo Tolstoy who commands, ‘B-b-battery, fire!’

 

General laughter.

ALICE I appreciate your tact, Patrick, but I think that your answer provides enough food for thought to be read aloud, so—

 

PATRICK (snatches the paper from her hand and reads aloud, interrupted by merry exclamations like ‘Hear! Hear’ that gradually cease.)

 

Ms Florensky is a war-monger. She justifies the civil war in Ukraine and probably the annexation of Crimea, saying that it is Russia’s own affair or maybe an act of self-defence.

 

Ms Florensky, secondly, belittles pacifists in general and the Russian anti-government intellectuals in particular, those very people who are the only decent people in Russia we can shake hands with.

 

Thirdly, she is openly homophobic.

 

And, last but not least, her lectures in general are brilliant rhetorical exercises rather than real academic talks covering essential matters.

 

General silence.

 

ALICE’S RUSSIAN SOUL Всё ясно. Буржуазные мальчики из хороших семей бунтуют. Надо отвечать. Ну, держитесь! Я вам сейчас всё скажу! И про «рукопожатных людей», и про Крым, и про Украину, и про Донбасс, и про то, что их туда никто не звал…

 

ALICE Thank you, Patrick, it was brave of you. I think I would be able to reply to each of your objections.

 

To begin with, people who live and die in the Donbass region see themselves as Russians. So yes, it is an act of our national self-defense to protect them. And yes, it is Russia’s own affair, because your army, my dear friends, has never been invited to the Crimea, neither today nor in 1853.

 

Your assumption that the Russian anti-government intellectuals are the only decent people in Russia automatically excludes me from the number of the decent people whom you might want to shake hands with. My dear Patrick, you have also clearly forgotten to ask me if I want to shake hands with you.

 

Any attempts to accuse me of homophobia look to me as a very Stalinian method to prevent me from saying what I want to say.

 

Fourthly, and lastly — how are you supposed to know what is essential? Do you really think that such concepts as war and peace, life and death, or sacrifice and duty versus hedonism and individualism are not essential?

 

I do thank you all the same.

 

Caroline begins to applaud. Some students of the group join her. The bell rings.

 

ALICE Our time is over. See all of you next week.

 

SCENE 8

(In the college cafeteria.)

Alice sits at the table.

THE NARRATOR В кафетерии колледжа мисс Флоренски и её ученик побеседуют о самых разных вещах. Патрик вновь намекнёт, что педагог играючи разбивает ценности, дорогие сердцу каждого британца. А педагог возразит: не слишком ли хрупкие эти псевдоценности, если они разбиваются так быстро? В конце, Патрик, правда, возьмёт адрес электронной почты нового лектора, чтобы задать вопросы за рамками учебной программы.

PATRICK (approaches Alice with his tray) May I?

 

ALICE Of course!

 

Pause. Both are eating.

ALICE Do you want my crisps?

 

PATRICK N-no, thank you, no! Er… you know, Ms Florensky, I didn’t want to be rude.

 

ALICE You weren’t. Nothing bad has happened.

 

PATRICK No, I mean… I knew how it all would end—that is, that you would defeat me on all points, but I still felt like I must, I absolutely must raise my voice and—

 

ALICE And confront me?

 

PATRICK Yes! Not youexactly, don’t take it personally, please; you might be a nice person, after all, but—don’t you see that it is you who provokes us each time?

 

ALICE A part of what a good teacher should do, probably.

 

PATRICK Probably, but you attack everything that is sacred to each sensible human being, to each Briton; you touch on things, and they fall on earth and break into pieces, and they break, and break, and break, and you crush everything!

 

ALICE As a dinosaur.

 

PATRICK Yes—as a dinosaur.

 

ALICE Don’t you think that it is not my fault that these ‘sacred’ things are so fragile? Is sin sacred? Is vice sacred, too?

 

PATRICK Witty as everything you say, but not true. Is what you call sin sacred? Imagine, it is! As a part of our free choice. You know, Ms Florensky, I think you are the only person in this building who dares ask such a question to someone who is a diagnosed sociopath.

 

ALICE You are a diagnosed sociopath, then? My poor darling…

 

PATRICK (offended) Sorry, but your ‘my poor darling’ sounds very insulting.

 

ALICE Maybe it does, but it was not me who has started this conversation. Yes, I dare ask such questions, and I simply think that your sociopathy is based exclusively on the fact that you have never met a really nice and sensitive girl.  

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Да, вся его так называемая социопатия оттого, что у него просто нормальной девушки не было. Гляди-ка! Я, кажется, попала в точку, он даже в лице изменился.

 

Patrick blushes, gulps down a lump in his throat, and obviously feels very awkward.

 

ALICE I am sorry! We will drop the subject. I am not a psychotherapist. It was a very nice chat, I have enjoyed it.

 

PATRICK (angrily) You did, of course!

 

ALICE I didn’t, actually, but…  you are a very nice… young gentleman. Please feel free to contact me on other… academic occasions. 

 

PATRICK (doubtfully) You do mean it? There are many things I think I want to ask you—

 

ALICE I do. (writes her email on the pack f crisps) This is my email, you can send your questions to it.  

 

PATRICK Thank you, thank you so much! Er… I’d better be going?

 

Alice nods.

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Наша героиня получает два письма. Одно — от Патрика (в нём он извиняется за свою эскападу во время семинара), а другое — от сэра Гилберта, с заверениями в дружбе и готовности помочь во всех творческих начинаниях. Интерлюдия — отрывок из песни A Message, «Письмо», группы Coldplay. «Тебе не обязательно быть одной», — говорит автор песни, но это послание героиня пока ещё не готова услышать.

My song is love

Love to the lovers shone

And it goes up

You don't have to be alone

Letter One [2]

Ms Florensky,

 

You are a mysterious person to me. At first glance, you look so very ‘suave little woman’ that you have described today. Which is a totally wrong impression of you, because you are someone who can fight and strike back, someone like these Soviet women who voluntarily enrolled for the army during WWII and who I think kept the same composure and the same loving smile with guns in their hands. There is something about you that makes one think that you have recently been on the front lines—or perhaps that you are still there. Terrible—and fascinating.

 

Patrick Shepherd

 

Letter Two

 

Dear Alice,

 

My absolutely juvenile reaction to your creative writing reveals to me that your text may be more than a piece of fiction. Alice, I know that you may have your doubts on whether you must go on writing this ‘very strange’ text. Please do. I implore you to do it, and I am perfectly serious when I use this solemn word. If technical hindrances or petty concerns are in your way, let me know of them; say one word, and I will do my best to remove them.

 

Affectionately,

 

Gilbert

 

SCENE 10

+++

THE NARRATOR Мисс Флоренски давно собиралась посетить галерею современного искусства «Тэйт Мóдерн». Патрик вызвался её сопровождать. Во время поездки на автобусе он задаст своему педагогу несколько важных вопросов. Например: что есть искусство? Как совместить верность творческим принципам и успех? В какой-то момент они выйдут из автобуса и сядут за столик в уличном кафе, где Патрик, смущаясь, задаст «гипотетический» вопрос: мог бы он пригласить мисс Флоренски на свидание, если бы оба они были в параллельной реальности? На что Элис предложит видеть в ней только старшего друга, и в параллельной реальности, и в этой.

Звучит отрывок из лирической песни London in the Spring, то есть «Лондон весной» Майкла Дэвида Розенберга. Действие пьесы, кстати, происходит в апреле.

Oh, London in the spring

Makes me feel so lucky I'm alive

I've got love to give

I've got my whole life to live

Walking through the park

Sunshine pours like honey

Through the trees

I believe I'm coming home

(In the college lobby.)

 

Patrick is waiting for Alice who is about to leave the college.

 

ALICE Do you go with me?

 

PATRICK Uh-huh.

 

ALICE Won’t they penalise you for that?

 

PATRICK Actually, I have written to Mrs Walking asking her permission to accompany you today.

 

They leave the college.

ALICE It was a very good and a very mature thing to do.

 

PATRICK (with a mild reproach) You treat me as a child, Ms Florensky!

 

ALICE No, definitely not—in every case, I am not your mother…  

 

PATRICK Is the car waiting for you?

 

ALICE For us both. I called a minicab.

 

(In a taxi/bus.)

 

PATRICK Ahem… There must be something in your nation, Ms Florensky, that accounts for how you think. Today, I was pretty much impressed by your idea about the necessity of being left alone.

 

ALICE You know, Patrick, the first person I met here in London was a handsome man so I was even considering for an instant whether… But I dropped the idea the very moment it entered my head because I clearly saw that a new relationship was the very last thing I needed at the moment.

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Это я удачно сказала! Как бы случайно, но пусть понимает, что ему не на что надеяться.

 

PATRICK Ahem. (Pause.) Speaking of your lecture: d on’t you think that children ‘must be slowly admitted into the yellow zone’? Sex is such a zone.

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Ну, началось… Промыли здесь парнишке мозги.

 

ALICE It is not yellow, Patrick. It is red.

 

PATRICK Why?

 

ALICE Because girls can get pregnant.

 

PATRICK Suppose they won’t—suppose they take precautions. Why deny them a right to—

 

ALICE To sleep with someone who is sixty?

 

PATRICK I didn’t mean it that way.

 

ALICE But surely you cannot deny the imaginary someone this right since a twelve-year-old girl is allowed to enter the red zone and explore it?

 

PATRICK Hard as it is to imagine, Ms Florensky, we must assume that in some cases—

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Да, конечно, вот так они и оправдывают педофилию. А ну, слушай сюда…

 

ALICE Do you honestly like the image of the twelve-year-old Matryosha who was seduced by Nicholas Stavrogin and then killed herself because she felt she had committed a crime against the best within her, even though the thing was done voluntarily on both sides, and who is now hanging there in the small closet under the roof?

 

Pause.

 

PATRICK (with a wry smile) How come you say that you ran into a man when you arrived here? I thought you, too, were kind of… sociopathic, you know.

 

ALICE I used to be it, before I understood I do not want any of this anymore.

 

PATRICK Excuse me: can it be cured at all?

 

ALICE It certainly can! Just look at me.

 

PATRICK I have never heard of such a thing before.

 

ALICE It is just that not everybody is that open. People do not eagerly talk about their mistakes, illnesses and traumas.

 

PATRICK Why do you call a mistake something that gave you—

 

ALICE (sarcastically) So much happiness?

 

PATRICK Not necessarily happiness; I was just saying—

 

ALICE Look, Patrick, people with psychological problems can be very good people, but their problems still need attendance.

 

PATRICK What if you start a relationship with someone trying to help this person to overcome her own problems; what if you do it on purpose?

 

ALICE’S RUSSIAN SOUL Вон в чём дело! Значит, он нарочно, из чувства долга, остаётся с не особенно любимым человеком. Бедняга!

 

ALICE (looks at him attentively, after a pause) Erotic attraction, or emotional ties, of friendship, or gratitude, or a wish to morally reform another person do not still constitute love. One easily mistakes one thing for another, especially when one is young. (Patrick becomes very pale.) Some fresh air would do you good— let us get off and sit on a bench.

 

They get off and sit down on a bench.

PATRICK (after he has recovered a little) You know, I have composed a list of questions before our conversation—

 

ALICE Try one.

 

PATRICK ‘What makes a successful artist?’

 

ALICE I have not the slightest notion, Patrick dear!

 

PATRICK But do you see yourself as one?

 

ALICE I have recently sold one of my paintings for £5000, and I was artistically active for three years selling my pictures, but—

 

PATRICK So the answer is ‘yes.’

 

ALICE The answer is ‘no,’ actually, or, rather, ‘ I have no idea. ’Art in the modern world is an instrument of subtle propaganda that manipulates people into engaging themselves with false choices, as the choice between two girls, a blonde and a brunette, and so gives them allegedly meaningful things to do.

 

PATRICK What I really wanted to say is that you, Ms Florensky, can never be categorised as a sort of women that are not worth choosing between. I wonder how you see me—as a naïve youngster perhaps… You know, you are so confident, so knowledgeable, and so kind that I basically start to see you as my relative, as ‘Aunt Alice’—sounds funny, what?

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL «Тётя Алиса» — как забавно! Ну, пусть. Буду ему тётей.

 

ALICE (with a smile) I don’t object to being called ‘Aunt Alice.’

 

PATRICK And yet, and yet… Imagine a parallel reality where I had no girlfriend. Do you believe that, in such a parallel reality, it would be very bad of me to ask you for something like a date?

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Приплыли! На свидание пригласил. Патрик, конечно, очень милый… Что бы такое сказать, чтобы его не обидеть…

 

ALICE (embarrassed) Oh Patrick! So sweet of you… Why don’t we have a lunch somewhere?

 

PATRICK I am glad you say that; I am terribly hungry!

 

* * *

 

(In a café.)

They take theirs seats at the table in the street and make their orders.

 

ALICE What I am going to say will sound very banal, but—why cannot we be friends in the most innocent sense? I would enjoy this friendship. I think we must exclude the romantic component in both the parallel and the actual reality. One person specifically taught me that this component is a taboo between a teacher and a student.

 

PATRICK Do I know this person?

 

ALICE Not very likely; it was my teacher of English who passed away two years ago.

 

PATRICK So strange to think that ‘Aunt Alice,’ too, used to be a girl of seventeen and had a crush on her professor.

 

Patrick receives a short message on his phone.

 

ALICE Nothing very bad?

 

PATRICK No! Adele who is… who is actually my girlfriend asks me where I am.

 

ALICE Adele?

 

PATRICK It really looks like I must go now—I am so sorry to leave so abruptly.

 

ALICE You’ve got your obligations, I respect them.

 

Patrick leaves.

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR А дальше последует разговор мисс Флоренски с Адель, подругой Патрика. Выяснится, что у Адель — синдром Аспергера, который кроме прочего предполагает неспособность понимать чувства других людей. В ходе разговора Адель выдвинет предложение, всю абсурдность и дикость которого она даже не сумеет понять. Звучит отрывок из The Lan guage of Birds, то есть «Языка птиц» Стинга. Да, две женщины явно говорят на разных языках и так же не понимают друг друга, как птицы не понимают человека.

But his soul was still trapped in the cage son,

While the birds they soared to the sky,

But he couldn't find his own way out,

Least not 'til the day he died.

Oh, a man builds a cage with the tools he is given,

His casket is sealed with a riveter's gun,

This solitary madness is where he is driven,

It was him who was trapped in the soul cage son,

It was him that was trapped in the soul cage.

 

SCENE 11

(In the college classroom.)

 

ADELE Ms Florensky? Need to talk to you.

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Кажется, это та самая девушка Патрика, которая страдает аутизмом…

 

Alice takes a seat close to her student.

 

ADELE Why are you attractive as a woman and I am not? What makes you attractive? Behaviour? Body shape? Pheromones?

 

ALICE (who is very much taken aback) There is such a thing as charm and beauty, Adele.

 

ADELE No. Thought it over before. Questionable. Subjective. Unprovable. Non-existent. Looking for objective criteria.

 

ALICE I don’t think I can help you much with this question… What makes you ask it, anyway?

 

ADELE Your relation to Patrick. Have you been intimate with him?

 

ALICE What?!

 

ADELE I see, you haven’t. Do you intend to?

 

ALICE No! And I hope you are aware that it is a terribly rude question, Adele.

 

ADELE No. Is it? Sorry for being rude. Asperger syndrome. Do you know what it is?

 

ALICE Yes, I do. I have never intended to endanger your relationship—

 

ADELE I didn’t say that. No selfish instincts. You or I—the same. Just want him to be happy. I want that you show me your tricks with which I can win him back and effectively contribute to his happiness.

ALICE This conversation makes no sense. Sorry, I have to go!

Alice gets up and leaves. She is very much distressed.

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Что происходит?! Куда катится этот мир?!

INTERLUDE

 

THE NARRATOR Элис отправляет Патрику сообщение с коротким пояснением того, что случилось. Патрик решает прийти к своему педагогу домой, чтобы узнать всё из первых уст. В ходе разговора он пробует извиниться за поведение Адель — и вдруг понимает, что, по его выражению, лгал всю свою жизнь, заставляя себя быть рядом с, возможно, нелюбимым человеком из чувства ложно понятого долга. Новое чувство открыло ему глаза. Признаться у него получается только на бумаге. Интерлюдия — отрывок из Violet Hill группы Coldplay.

I took my love down to violet hill

There we sat in snow

All the time she was silent and still

So if you love me

Won't you let me know?

If you love me

Won't you let me know?

SCENE 12

(Alice’s studio in Eversholt Street.)

PATRICK (enters) What… has happened?

 

ALICE Well, you’d better take a seat.

 

Patrick sits down.

ALICE Your partner, Adele, asked me to have a short conversation with her, at the end of which she asked me to show her my ‘tricks’ with which she can win you back and ‘effectively contribute to your happiness.’Can you imagine?

 

Pause.

 

PATRICK I suppose I must apologise for her, and—

 

ALICE You don’t have to—

 

PATRICK True, but… You see… The thing is… The thing is that my apologies don’t matter, because the incident is horrible… and disgusting… Do you think that people with Asperger syndrome are sort of emotionally disabled? Because I sometimes ask myself the same question…

 

Pause.

PATRICK I don’t think she will ever approach you with this again.

 

ALICE I didn’t say she would. And yet, something has started to go wrong—

 

PATRICK And I am to blame for it.

 

ALICE I never said that!

 

PATRICK You never said, and you never will, but it is as sure as eggs is eggs.[3]

 

ALICE Look, Patrick! Nothing very bad has happened… yet. You know, I have never tried to split up your relationship or drive the two of you away, honestly so—

 

PATRICK What you are saying sounds so disgustingly English. How do you still believe there isvery much here to split up?

 

ALICE Sorry?

 

Long silence.

 

PATRICK May I ask you a personal question? You know, your boy friend… the one you tried to help…  And then, when you fell in love with another person … Did you tell him?

 

ALICE (in a whisper) I did.

 

PATRICK Of course you did!

 

Pause.

 

PATRICK Did I ever tell you[4] about this very stupid coincidence in the bookstore? It so happened that I was looking for a novel by Dostoyevsky.

 

ALICE What for?

 

PATRICK (with dismal humour) Trying to understand the mysterious Russian soul, of course. They only had The Devils there. I did open the book and I came across a curious phrase in French. Can you guess the phrase?

 

ALICE No clue…

 

PATRICK J’ai menti toute ma vie. [5] ‘I have lied all my life.’

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Он наконец понял, что с этой Аделью лгал сам себе. И года не прошло. Бедняжечка…

 

ALICE (with compassion) You are still very young, Patrick, and there is a lot of life ahead of you. Now, come…

 

PATRICK (energetically) What sense does it make to say that there is a lot of life ahead of someone who is young! Very true, but I haven’t lived the rest of my life! Sorry! Forgive me. I don’t understand what I am saying. I am as weak as a puppy now. You were very right to say that women have no reasons to love squealing puppies, an excellent teacher as you are. Serves me right… Um… (To Alice who was about to actually embrace him.) Do you have a piece of paper and a pen?

 

ALICE Sure!  

SCENE 13

THE NARRATOR Между тем учебная группа, узнав про произошедшее, посчитала, что виновата во всём мисс Флоренски, которая, по их мнению, разлучает близких людей. Более того, общественные активисты составили и опубликовали на сайте петицию с требованием уволить нового педагога. Вернувшись после перемены на семинар, Элис узнаёт обо всём этом от своей студентки Кэролайн, которая, единственная, нашла возможным остаться в аудитории. Интерлюдия — отрывок из песни Марка Алмонда, который на английском языке перепевает композицию Бориса Гребенщикова с её выразительным вопросом «Государыня, ведь если ты хотела врагов, кто же тебе смел отказать?».

 

Gosudaryunia,

Remember we were building the house:

Good it was but empty inside.

For many years

   We were embroidering the snow with silver,

Scared of touching it with poison.

For many years

We would sing till the first light of dawn,

Sing but never say it in words.

   Gosudaryunia,

If enemies were what you desired,

Who would ever dare to say ‘no’?

 

(In the college classroom.)

ALICE (enters) Where are the others?

 

CAROLINE Ehm… Um… They have submitted their answers in writing, Ms Florensky. They said they’d prefer not to—

 

ALICE Not to see me?

 

CAROLINE Sort of.

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Все эти волнения, видимо, не могли не отразиться на душевном здоровье главной героини. Она начинает видеть комшары, в которых бесы современного политкорректного мира тащат её в ад, связывая её по рукам и ногам обвинениями в том, что она — расистка, женоненавистница, мракобес, защитница токсичной маскулинности — и так далее по списку. В качестве интерлюдии — отрывок из Breathe современного британского барда Лоры Марлинг. «Ночь перед рассветом бывает очень темна», — говорит Лора Марлинг, и это правда.

You came here to tell me something

I already know

The dark before the dawn

Is the darkest I can go

The calm before the storm

Is what leaves me here to breathe

So breathe

SCENE 14

(Alice’s dream.)

Alice is in a strange place. Two devils appear before her. They resemble an obese Afro-American and a pale effeminate man.

 

ALICE So this is what the devils of today look like…

 

DEVIL ONE Who the hell are you to call us devils?

 

DEVIL TWO She is a sexist!

 

DEVIL ONE A racist!

 

DEVIL TWO A misogynist!

 

DEVIL ONE A homophobe!

 

DEVIL TWO A transphobe!

 

DEVIL ONE An obscurantist!

 

DEVIL TWO An abuser!

 

DEVIL ONE A body shamer!

 

DEVIL TWO A slut shamer!

 

DEVIL ONE A defender of patriarchal society!

 

DEVIL TWO A spreader of toxic masculinity!

 

DEVIL ONE A supporter of dictatorship!

 

DEVIL TWO Russian!

 

The demons begin to dance around her, tying her with a rope, and then draw her to hell.

DEVILS (screaming) To hell with her! To hell!

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Но любой кошмар кончается. Оказывается, Кэролайн, студентка мисс Флоренски, сидела у её постели и ухаживала за бессознательной больной, оказавшись рядом именно тогда, когда ей «[б]ыл нужен друг» — что является названием песни группы Coldplay.

Holy, holy, God defend

Shield me, show me

When I need a friend

Slowly, slowly, violence end

Love reign o'er me

When I need a friend

SCENE 15

(Alice’s studio.)

Alice is in her bed, Caroline is sitting beside her bed.

ALICE (opens her eyes. Caroline shrieks.) Have you been here for long?

 

CAROLINE No, I just…

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Ты подумай: я провела в бреду пару суток, а она сидела у моей постели в качестве няньки. И ведь никто не заставлял!

 

Alice gets up. They move to the kitchen area and take their seats at the table.

ALICE I had a very strange dream, I was in a very strange place and had a conversation with a mighty being. Then two demons came. They started shouting at me and accusing me of being a sexist, a racist, an abuser and—all that. They began to dance around me, and they drew me to hell.

 

CAROLINE Uh-huh. (Pause.) No psychedelics are involved, you say?

 

ALICE No substances, I swear.

 

CAROLINE I just can’t get my head round it. It sounds so—

 

ALICE …Medieval?

 

CAROLINE Medieval, that’s the word. It is all so insane, and the strangest thing is that I believe you. That is, I think that you must go and see a doctor. It is rude of me, I know, but I am worried about you, Ms Florensky, and—

 

ALICE I can see that. Why else would you nurse me today?

 

Caroline blushes.

 

ALICE Look, Caroline, I am so deeply…

 

CAROLINE Stop—don’t be—don’t mention it—it was nothing! I have to go now, I will text Patrick that you are okay. Bye for now!

 

Caroline leaves abruptly.

 

INTERLUDE

THE NARRATOR Мы близимся к завершению. Во время заседания Учёного совета Академии современных искусств на рассмотрение выносится вопрос о «недостойном поведении мисс Флоренски». Но сэр Гилберт произносит блестящую оправдательную речь, суть которой в том, что Элис — русская, а русские якобы являются этническим меньшинством и в качестве меньшинства требуют защиты и заступничества. Звучит отрывок из песни Party Like a Russian современного британского исполнителя Робби Уильямса; сама эта песня, использующая музыкальную тему войны из балета «Ромео и Джульетта» Сергея Прокофьева, — богатая кладовая стереотипов британцев о нашей культуре.

(Spasibo)

Party like a Russian

End of discussion

Dance like it got concussion, oh

Put a doll inside a doll

Party like a Russian

Disco seduction

Party like a Russian, oh

Have it like an oligarch

 

SCENE 16

(The college conference hall)

 

MRS WALKING Issue five in our agenda is Ms Florensky, our visiting lecturer, her behaviour, and her attitude to her work. Miss Berzina, can you please bring forward what you have to say?

 

AGNESE (gets up) During her first lesson, Ms Florensky glorified the Tsarist regime in Russia. During her second lesson, she spoke about old age and death— a subject which could have triggered depressive thoughts in her students. During lesson three, she defended Russian militarism and justified family abuse. During lesson seven, she seemed to approve of Vladimir Putin’s hateful methods of dealing away with his political opponents. Can such behaviour be tolerated within the walls of our college? Cannot we possibly face legal actions directed at the college if we keep tolerating this attitude of Ms Florensky?

She sits down. General silence. Some members of the Board smile broadly.

 

ALICE ’S RUSSIAN SOUL Зачем Агнесе это делает? Хочет выслужиться перед новыми хозяевами жизни? Хочет продвижения в карьере, боится, что я ей помешаю? Как это предсказуемо, как гадко…

 

SIR GILBERT (clears the throat) Ladies and gentlemen! (He gets up.) Allow me to play an attorney for the accused party.

 

(Reads from his notebook.) Ms Florensky may have her shortcomings. She might be slightly homophobic. She also might be a hidden admirer of Russian militarism. And so on, and so forth. All these features of Miss Florensky’s unique personality originate from one simple fact. The fact is that she is Russian.

 

She is Russian, and her homophobia,