HOW TO LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT

An individual's worth has very little to do with salary, possessions, or position. Personal worth or esteem is something you have to recognize, appreciate, and enjoy or your answer to the question, "How much are you worth?" will be, "Not much – probably nothing.

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...We are born with all the value we will ever have; but life soon squeezes our feelings of self-worth and self-esteem like a juicer squeezes an orange. It starts as soon as we are old enough to hear our parents and teachers compare us to others: "Oh, isn't that little girl next door absolutely darling? I wish our Betsy had her nose." "Helen, don't bother me now. Can't you see Mother's busy?" "Harold, I'm surprised. Your brother was a whiz at fractions, and here you are flunking elementary math."

As we hit high school (in many cases it hits us), the erosion of self-esteem seems to pick up speed. I have made training videos with groups of high-school students and am almost always amazed at the lack of self-esteem they display. Some simply sit slumped in their chairs, staring at their hands folded in their laps. Others reveal how little they think of themselves and their fellow students by interrupting with rude and boisterous chatter and cute remarks. Or they may sit back with cool looks of disdain that actually hide a fragile self-image.

When I look back at my own youth I remember how desperate we all were to belong to the "in-group". Sometimes I clowned around (and went to extremes) to impress the most popular girls and boys in my class. When I was accepted, I felt great. When I was ignored and sometimes rejected I was distraught. Today (with even more emphasis on material and physical appearances), young people are constantly vying for attention and recognition among their peers...

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We were having a couple over for dinner one night just after I'd returned home from a speaking trip. I was extremely tired and instead of monopolizing the conversation and telling anecdote after anecdote, as I usually loved to do, I sat quietly and listened to the other people talk for a change. As I listened, an amazing thing happened. I learned some new things about the couple. I learned that they were interesting, they had nice families, they were just as edu­cated as I was, if not more so, and they had done things I had never done.

Susan and I listened for two or three hours, and I made only quiet comments: "Really?" or "My, that's interesting" or "Tell me more, give me an example".

They finally got up to leave, and as they went out the room and down the driveway I ran to our bedroom window to try to hear what they were saying about their evening. I wanted to hear what they had to say. After all, they might be talking about me!

I strained to listen, and as they opened the car door I could hear the husband tell his wife, "Weren't they the most fascinating couple you've ever met? What great communicators! Just delightful, marvelous people".

I looked at Susan, and she looked at me. I said, "But we didn't say anything except to ask questions".

And Susan said, "That's right. They went away feeling that we value them because we gave them our full attention all evening long."

I learned something that evening. I didn't tell one anecdote. I didn't share any chapters from any of my books. I didn't tell any stories. Nonetheless, those people went away saying, "Greatest people we've ever talked to".

After that night, I went back to doing more listening than talking: there is no better way to let people know that you are sincerely interested in them and you care about them.

To say, "I'm a success " is to attach some kind of permanence to the word, as if nothing will ever change, as if things will always be the way they are now. But things don't stay the same. Everything changes – above all, success. Success is fickle and fleeting but living successfully by being the best you can be is always possible. What we need is self-esteem.

As we were growing up, many of us played an inferior role to the adults in our lives. We were told what to do and what not to do. We were constantly reminded of our shortcomings. This emotional bombardment can create the troubled teens, the generation gap, and stunted personal and professional growth.

Many people we know are hurt terribly by little things we call social slights. I have observed that the people who most easily become emotional and offended have the lowest self-esteem. People who doubt their own capabilities and have a poor opinion of themselves become depressed, angry or jealous with slight provocation. And jealousy, the scourge of every healthy relationship, is nearly always caused by self-doubt. People with inner value don't feel hostile toward others, aren't out to prove anything, can see the truth more clearly, and aren't demanding in their claims on other people.

Some people think self-esteem belongs to those who have beautiful, successful, and talented parents. But your inner value has nothing to do with whether your mom and dad handed you a gold teething ring or an expensive pacifier.

The truth is, some people from the most humble beginnings have become the best human beings, and some people who have had the most fabulous starts have become the most pathetic failures. It all depends on what is done with God's priceless gift of in­ner value. Attitude and perception are critically important. Familial background, a "silver spoon childhood", Ivy League education and so on are all secondary in the long run.